My Birth'day'

The day started rocky.

John and I are sharing one car right now. I got into a wreck three hours from home last Wednesday - the final day of my 3 1/2 week trip. So, "my" car is in the shop being fixed.

As a result, I'm having to drive John into work and pick him up if I need the car during the day. Which, so far, has been everyday! Tomorrow John has to have the car, and I'm stuck at home!! I'm totally (seriously) thrilled by that!  Guess who's cleaning house?? I don't like to clean house - but I LOVE a clean house!!

So, as I said the day started rocky. I didn't get to sleep Sunday night until 3am Monday morning....not sure why. It just took forever for the drugs to kick in. Anyway, when John woke me up (6:30) to drive him into work, I was groggy, to say the least! The meds (Ambien) had only been in my system for 3 hours - they normally take 5-6 hours to work through my system. I apparently told him several times that I was fine to drive. He did not share my assessment of my condition...

I was supposed to get some lab work done, and again, I kept telling John that I would be fine to drive myself. In the end, John drove me to LabQuest, waited while I gave blood, drove me home, told me to nap and to call him when I woke up. In addition to blood work, I HAD to renew my license that day.

And no, I didn't necessarily leave my license stuff until the "last moment." Remember, I only got home last Wednesday, and we had to take care of my car - get it to the mechanic that would evaluate and fix it!

I got home by about 8:45am and laid down fully expecting to wake up. I can never normally nap once I'm up - and when I try to do it, my body responds with, "Oh, my, you're laying down? No. No. No. It's time to wake up!" Apparently, there was a lot of medication still in my system because I slept for 3 hours! I know most people would have slept much longer but my sleep patterns are way beyond a normal person's!

Once I woke up and called John, he brought the car home for me, and I headed over to the Driver's License location. The phrase "camera card" was written on my renewal form. I'm still not exactly sure it means but I had all the correct paperwork, and so breezed through there. That NEVER happens, right?!?!

And while started out rocky - the day came to a fabulous end - manicure and pedicure!

Also, John fixed my birth'day' dinner: a Fager family staple - Tacos. Actually, Taco Salad but the combination of ingredients is the same.

My Epitaph

"She crammed 11 cookies into the VCR."

It'll make people stop and read my headstone, right??!! :*D

This is also my new iphone case. And for those who don't know is a line from the movie Elf. It's right before he runs away, and the whole line is, "I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR."

It also makes a point about living in the moment -- what?? You say.....how the hell does it do that??

I have a 5 year Question-A-Day journal that I write in every day. The question for yesterday (12/1) was to write my epitaph. I couldn't think of anything to say last year - I was at a point in my life where I was agonizing over every little thing - I couldn't think "in the moment." Every little decision - even simple little fun ones - took effort. Well, this year, I'm much freer. I'm having a lot more fun! And when the question came around this year, and after having recently watched the movie Elf, I, of course, immediately thought of the line from the movie! (Wouldn't you? :^P)

Every time I think about that line I start laughing - not just smiling but full-blown laughing! For several reasons - first, why 11 cookies? Why not 10? Or 15? And can't you see someone hurriedly cramming - because you don't leisurely "cram" anything - cookies into a VCR - trying to sweep the crumbs away to hide the evidence. Also, imagine if that were on my headstone - what would people think in the future as they walked through a cemetery.....What the hell?? Why is she....? And what's a VCR?? Would it interrupt their grief? Would it help them? Would they think I was some kind of rich, crazy person? 

"She crammed 11 cookies into the VCR." Bah!!! I'm still laughing - in this moment - still laughing!

I'm Not Going to Stay Down!!

Well, it's been awhile since last week - in fact, a week :*) - when I asked anyone willing to "wish me luck" - no questions asked - just wish me luck. And then I told you later in the day that, although I appreciated the good wishes, they didn't help......and that I would explain later.

Well, it's later..............

As many of you know, I had applied to grad school at Marywood University here in Northeast Pennsylvania. And I was very excited at the prospect of getting my Master's in Communication Arts looking to teach Speech and Theater at the college level in just a couple of years.  Well, they turned me down, and while I'm frustrated and angry, I'm not going to stay down! I'm pursuing other avenues as we speak.

So, here's the deal!  And some words of warning for a select group of people out there who may be currently attending or considering attending a particular institution that I'm about to rail upon......(Cheri Berry, I get my moment, and then I will move on....)

I attended Bob Jones University, oh way back when....and got a Bachelor of Science degree in Speech Education.  It is a very small, fundamental, christian university that is accredited by the lowest tier of accreditation associations: the Transnational Association of Christian Colleges and Schools - that means nothing!! Absolutely nothing in the way of any kind of assurance of quality education. They are not regionally accredited and cannot get regionally accredited.  And it has been their policy in the past that they didn't want to be - that, in fact, it was scripturally incorrect, to be accredited. That as a christian, you shouldn't want or need the "world's" approval - that you were somehow "weak" if you asked for the world's approval of what you were doing.

What this means for their graduates looking to get advanced degrees or improve their employment or get advanced certification is that they cannot!  Why?  Because institutions that ARE regionally accredited - that do have standardized programs - that have stood the test of time and have proven themselves - is that they will not recognize the validity of an education at Bob Jones University. Because Bob Jones University has not been willing to put itself under the microscope and let itself be examined - let itself be tested - let itself prove that what it provides is a quality education.  It's screwed itself and chances of large increases in the student body, and it's screwed it's student's (current and past) chances of any advancement in their professional lives!! 

Thanks BJ! Thanks for thinking ahead! Thanks for thinking outside the box! Thanks for thinking of someone other than yourself!!!

Now, I told you at the beginning that I was angry and frustrated but that I wasn't going to stay down.  And I'm not.  So, the conclusion of this whole fiasco is that I have to go back to square one and get a second bachelor's degree in order to pursue my dream of teaching Speech and Theater at the college level.  And I do intend to continue to pursue my dream!!!! Yes - that's right - I will have to go back to college and get a SECOND BACHELOR'S degree before I can get my Master's  degree.........

So, I've found an online all women's college that IS INDEED regionally accredited by the same organization that HARVARD UNIVERSITY is accredited by: the New England Association of Schools and Colleges. :*)  And I've double checked all of this info!!  it is THE AMERICAN WOMEN'S COLLEGE, and I'm in the process of applying - and guess what!! They won't take Bob Jones University either!!! Of course they won't - so I have to get my high school transcripts!! Bwhahaha!! Bob Jones University is/was so backwards - that I have to go all the way back to high school!!  If I hadn't already been through this once - I would be screaming - instead, when I spoke with admissions, and they told me I had to get my high school transcripts, I laughed outloud!  I'm 52 -- and I have to get my high school transcripts!!!

(I'll keep you posted. :*P)   And here's a link to an article that addresses the issue of BJ's final admission that they couldn't get regional accreditation for anyone interested in reading further...
http://bjuaccreditation.org/content/012712/bob-jones-university-finally-admits-national-accreditation-failed

Disappointing and Painful - but I'll try it again.....

Disappointed.

I'm pretty sure that's how the Acupuncturist felt when I left the other day.  That's how she looked, anyway - disappointed.  

Disappointed that I hadn't even seemed drowsy by the end of my first acupuncture session. A session designed to treat my insomnia.  Disappointed that I had, in fact, been giggling (by myself - I'll explain this in a bit) in the room during my first session. And disappointed that my central nervous system seemed just as "jazzed" after the session as it was before.  And her goal before the session started was to 'dial it down a bit'.

Now, I realize that it will take more than one session to deal with my insomnia.  For those who don't know me well - and I know anyone reading this probably knows me well - I'm a SEVERE - SEVERE - read that SEVERE - insomniac!! I take 20mg of Ambien every night and sleep 6 - 7 hours, and that's a long night.  (And not bad for the average American.)  Without it, I would sleep maybe 1 - maybe.....

So, as I've said, I know it will take more than one session.  However, as with other health professionals who have come into my life in the past few years, they don't realize the extreme level of insomnia that I deal with, and therefore, I think that they think that (did you get that), while I'm not lying to them, I'm probably exaggerating how severe my issue is.  Then, when they begin their treatments in my life in whatever their particular field of expertise is and it doesn't go well, or as planned or isn't as effective as they imagined it might have been or should have been, and they look stumped or frustrated or sad - that's when I feel sorry for them.  They thought it was going to help and it didn't.  Except for this one sleep specialists who was an ass - he was one of those people who 'believes his own press', you know the type.  The health care professional who says "don't you worry, I've helped hundreds of people with your issue, and you're no different. I'm going to help you too."  Well, thank you for making me feel not special......I'll just be walking away from you and never coming back!!  I never felt sorry for him!

But I digress.........In addition to the Acupuncturist being disappointed, the other major issue with my first acupuncture experience was that it hurt!! The needles hurt a lot going in, and then the ones that were in my left ear hurt the whole time they were in my left ear! The Acupuncturists put needles in the top of both of my feet, I think a few in my legs, a couple in my arms, several in my right and left ears, a few in the top of my head and one very low in my decolletage.  I held very still for that one to be sure she didn't puncture one of the girls!! :)  And then, when she took them out, they hurt again.  And they felt weird the whole time they were in. 

I just found out today from one of John's co-workers that according to "tradition", if it hurts a lot when the needles go in, it could mean that the issues the person has are very severe.  Well, that would make sense......not sure if that's very scientific or not.

Well, I laid for about 25 minutes, my legs sorta went to sleep.  I had to carefully move them around so I didn't disturb the needles. One of the needles in my arm did fall out.  The bed was nice and warm, however, it had a heating pad down the whole length! That was definitely a nice perk!! And there were two skylights in the room, so I could watch the rain fall.

Oh, and let me explain the laughing by myself.  There was a very loud clock in the room, and I began to hear the rhythm of it after a few minutes.  It was a slow rhythm, and my OCD brain began trying different phrases to see what "fit" the rhythm.....Of course, I had to try Big Bang Theory Sheldon's 'flash drive train chanty', "You forgot your flash drive," and discovered that it worked slow or fast.  That thought made me giggle.....just a little......

Then I thought about the absurdity of where I was, in this holistic type clinic (a converted house) with peaceful eastern type music and incense and quiet, peaceful mood, with warm beds and warmly painted walls - "You forgot your flash drive! You forgot your flash drive! You forgot your flash drive!"  And I giggled more - louder........Then I thought -- I wonder if John can hear me in here giggling all by myself, and wondering what the hell am I giggling about.  I'm supposed to be quiet, having an acupuncture appointment, possibly resting.......and that made me giggle even louder and harder!! I think I even.blustered, "Bwhahahahaha!!!"

Alright, Brenda, breathe in, breathe out.............there are other folks in other rooms........you need to quiet down............watch the rain........breathe in............breathe out...............little giggle....."you forgot your flash drive".................shhhhh..................giggle..............

I wonder how long I've been in here......I know there are needles in my head so I can't turn my head too much, I don't want to drive them into my brain........not sure the whole "dialing down my central nervous system is going if I'm thinking about driving acupuncture needles into my brain".......:*P

I'll try it again...................and I guess the Acupuncturist will too, she was willing to schedule another appointment.....................but she did sound.........disappointed.

Activities To Do On Ambien OTHER than Sleep

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2011/04/5-activities-to-do-on-ambien-that-dont-involve-sleeping/

This blog was posted about 3 years ago…….

So, here is my personal story for each of the 5 'activities to do on ambien that don't involve sleeping' – in connection to the article posted above.  I probably won't be really graphic about #2 - just sayin'!  (Btw, when I am alone for any period of time, I take Ambien when I'm already in bed.  Sometimes that helps to avoid these scenarios..... sometimes not, as in my first story.)

(Eat/ Do Some Activity:  My first story involves activities #1 and #4 together: John was out of town for the week, and I had taken my 15mg of Ambien – the dosage at that time. (normal dose is 10mg but I've been taking it for almost 4 years every night - I have EXTREME insomnia or I'm a 'short sleeper' - search the internet for that one, it's really cool!)  I was in bed reading when the thot occurred to me: "I could have a small bowl of cereal while I'm reading since I'm just sitting here in bed."  Of course, I had to get OUT of bed in order to get the cereal - but Ambien NEVER edits itself!  The rest of the events are hazy but they go basically as follows: at some point I spilled some of the cereal and milk on the book I was reading and on my bed.  I cleaned it up using some clothing beside my bed, then (apparently) got up, stripped the sheets off my bed, got a towel to put over the wet spot, got fresh sheets, remade my bed (perfectly along with blankets) and propped my book open so the wet page could dry.  Now, the only reason that I know I did any of this is because, the next morning, I saw the pile of wet sheets at the foot of my bed, and felt, then looked, at the towel under the sheet that I put there to absorb the spilled milk!!  I have no actual physical memory of doing any of this - but I'm so anal, apparently even under the influence of Ambien that the bed was made as perfectly as I would have made it any other time.

I am always hungry when I take it - I always want 'just something to munch on'.  And if I don't take it and go immediately to bed, I will find some activity to do that I will most likely not remember and if I do remember it, it will be in a dream-like quality. 

Story involving activity #2: (Have Sex – or some other VERY AGGRESSIVE TENDENCY)  Okay, so you don't get a story just a couple of comments!  (Whatever, you pervert!) Ambien heightens or stimulates personality characteristics or aggressive tendencies making a lot of people more agressive in a variety of areas.  The article doesn't describe any sex that happens as good or bad, just insane.  Well, I'm not sure how anyone knows that since you NEVER - NEVER remember that it even happened the next morning!

Activity #3 story: (write fan mail) I normally type approximately 80-100 wpm.  I'm a much slower ambien-typist and I don't make a lot of sense.  I have actually confessed to some people when I’m typing them a message that I was typing 'under the influence'.  One night I was at home with my kids, had taken Ambien, and told them that I just wanted to send a quick email to a friend.  Well, at some point the kids realized I was typing about 2 words per minute - not exaggerating, and they attempted to get me to stop and resend it in the morning.  I was quite insistent that it had to go that night.  Within a few minutes I actually began falling over asleep.  Peter began to pull me up but instead of standing up, I merely bent over with my hands still on the keyboard in some sort of weird keyboard stretch.  They eventually got me up and in bed.  And then because the last couple of sentences in the email were almost unintelligible, they put a note at the bottom explaining to my friend that the email was sent 'under the influence.'

#5 Ambidialing:  Now, I have never specifically called anyone by phone while taking Ambien.  However, I have on many occasions been Ambien-overwhelmed to have deeply serious conversations with people.  I remember in particular - well, I had to ask Katie the next morning if it really happened, and it did - but in particular, I decided one night late that I needed to reassure Katie while I was 'under the influence' that she did "not need to worry if it seemed that the boys had more financial advantage in college because they got more money from the car wreck.  That she had lots of things going for her.  She was special too."  She said that I got very close to her face and spoke in a hushed voice which, of course, made me laugh so hard and everyone else too.

**One other little story that doesn’t necessarily fit into any of these categories:  Ambien does work better for me now that I have some additional medicine to help with my anxiety.  But a few years ago when it was only working 3-4 hours a night, I would normally stay up until 2 or 3 am, so that I could sleep until 6 or 7 am.  I didn’t want to take it at midnight and be awake at 3 or 4 am!! Seems reasonable, right??  Anyway, one of those nights, I had taken my dosage at 2:45 and thought, “I’ll just sit here at the computer for a couple minutes while the Ambien kicks in.” Well, of course, it worked quickly that night!  The next morning, I came out to the kitchen and there on the counter was a bowl of sour cream with one Dorito in it…..hmmm……I asked Katie about it, and she informed me that John told her to tell me to call him about it.  Apparently, John had gotten up at 3am to use the restroom and had heard me talking to “someone” in the kitchen and discovered me trying to introduce “guests” to a new kind of Nachos (just sour cream and Doritos Ranch flavored).  And when he tried to get me to come to bed, I insisted that these people had to try these Nachos – that they wanted to try these Nachos.  So, John had to eat them before I would go to bed.  But he left one chip in the bowl to prove that I had done this!!! :*P  Clever man………

I have had occasion to take Ambien over the course of the last 15 years on a limited level - it's just these last 4 that it's become steady.  I remember several years ago it was taken off the market for several months.  It was during this time that people began to discover on a wide-scale level the amnesiac side effects - and they were very concerned.  I remember thinking, 'Of course, you don't remember!  Of course, it causes amnesic events! It's a sleeping pill - you're not supposed to!!'  Thankfully, it came back on the market.  Because I'll tell you that I have never been able to take over the counter sleep meds.  They always made me feel drugged the next day, and now my body chemistry has changed, because they actually have the opposite effect and make me hyper!  They rev up my system so that I’m hyper and jittery.  THE ONLY thing that is able to put a cap on my brain and give me any measure of rest – to shut down my brain for a few short hours is Ambien!!!! Let’s hope it NEVER, EVER goes off the market again!!! Despite any amnesic events!

It IS 2014, right??

I recently opened a box of office supplies - a BRAND NEW box of office supplies - by the office supply company that you see in the picture above.  SMEAD, in case you're not able to identify said company.  And what to my wondering eyes should appear but this antiquated picture of a woman from the 1950's  fingering her way through a file drawer.

Seriously??? Look at her - take in the whole picture!!! Look at her top!! At the scarf!!! At that watch and the shape and color of her nails!!!!  At her hair!!!!!! At her lipstick!!!! This was a BRAND NEW box of file folders that I opened TODAY in an office that I'm working in through a temporary agency.

I haven't seen an advertisement this stereotyped since I did research for a play, The Solid Gold Cadillac, that I directed one of the first years I taught. I was flabbergasted! I still am!!  I guess when you sell something that people need without need for upgrades or improvements or changes, there's no need to change your advertising.  But really................this is ridiculous!!!

Geezo - pete!!! :*P

Oh! My! Gosh!

IT'S SNOWING! Well, of course, it's snowing.........WE LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!

So, John and I slept on an air mattress in the living last night - something that we do periodically throughout the year just for fun.  During this time of year, we do it so that we can sleep in the magic glow of the lights on the Christmas tree.  Multi-colored Christmas lights are my favorite - and they're even better in my fuzzy vision without my glasses!

Waking up this morning, we opened the living room curtains and watched the snow begin to fall.  It was - and still is - glorious!!! It's so continuously, moment by moment amazing that we live here now where it snows as a normal part of the everyday of every day!! And - holy shit - when the wind picks up and blows the snow off the roof right in front of the living room window - it's stunning!!!!  I CANNOT get enough of this!  Nor will any of you 'brave' enough to read anything I write for the next few months..........:)

Anyways, as I lay there on the air mattress - and it's a good one, it held the air really well, and wasn't squishy at all - watching the snow, I had some thoughts..........

First, I imagined the first snowflake to land on one of the tree branches.  Here was that first little guy out of the clouds eager to jump on a branch as opposed to landing on the ground and immediately melting (as he'd heard so many stories about).  And he sits there alone for awhile looking as other snowflakes come and pass him by.......no one landing on the same branch with him.  "Hey," he calls out.  "Wanna sit here......?" And he begins to wonder if anyone will ever join him on the branch, when all of a sudden a fellow snowflake lands a few inches away.  "Hey! Nice to see you!! Glad you could join me!"  And then another, and another and another - until the branch starts to fill up.  And the first snowflake is so happy that others have joined him and he doesn't feel alone or insignificant anymore.  This goes on for a few minutes, the branch getting more and more crowded with snowflakes.  All of a sudden the snowflake realizes that it's getting really crowded and no one is really paying any attention to him.  "Hey...........what are you talking about? What are you guys doing over there?"  And then the branch gets so full that the snowflake feels alone and insignificant again.............

Later, while John and I were watching the newer "Miracle on 34th Street" - the one with the adorable Mara Wilson - the snow was coming down faster in a swirling pattern.  And it occurred to me that another snowflake story could be happening.....

Again, a first snowflake lands on a tree branch and invites other snowflakes to join him.  They do right away - and it's a party! They're having a great time - inviting lots of other snowflakes, who gladly land on the branch crowding in to the fun!  Pretty soon, it's really crowded and the first snowflake is starting to feel squished.  "Hey, guys, maybe some of you should blow over to the other branch.  It's getting kinda crowded here."  His face was getting smooshed so that he couldn't talk very well, "Thish ish a great pardy everyone but its gedding hard to breave and tak......"  And the last thing we see is his little snowflake point getting buried in the rush of party goers crowding on top of the same branch..........

But what a way to go!!