Cleaning Out is Therapeutic!

I knew getting the spare bedroom ready for painting was going to take a while - but sheesh!!  It took about 2 hours!  (It's so weird to have a spare bedroom.....just sayin'  It used to be the boys' room.)  Had to move the bookshelves - which, of course, means moving all the books first!  Then came the LEGO shelves that John built onto the wall years ago - boy were they secure!!!  Then the filing cabinets (2 large ones), several movable drawer units (stacked), a medium entertainment unit with an 'anything but medium' ginormous tv on it, another smaller book shelf - oh, and the tubing lights that ran all around the ceiling of the room.  These had screwed-in hangers every 6 inches - you know, so that they didn't droop!  'Cuz boys care so much about drooping lights!

As we were headed to Home Depot to get the primer - I'm priming tomorrow! - I realized John was very quiet.  He said that redoing the room was more disturbing than he anticipated.  It's like repainting the room actually means life has changed, the kids are grown/growing up and moving on (as it should be), and you can't go back.  I got a little melancholy myself as I 'dwelt in John's moment'....more about that tomorrow.

Just stepped outside for a minute - and if I can even believe that it's late April in Houston - it's even MORE gorgeous tonight than it was last night!  It's 66 degrees after a high today of 94.  There's a very cool breeze - the trees are loving it - and an absolutely clear sky!  I can see LOTS of stars!  I may have to sit outside for a few minutes after I'm done here.  In fact, I may have to finish very soon so that I can sit outside for a few minutes - may have to put on my sweatpants!  (Hey Chonco!  I need to borrow some swwwweats!)

I'm always amazed to find out that some characteristic (usually negative) that I knew about myself but thought I had disguised from others around me was actually quite apparent to them.  Also, it's so empowering to really grow into a lot of freedom these days.  (sorry for the buzz word 'empowering' but it really describes what is happening) My recent trips to 'hither and yon' have been soothing to my spirit and have given me courage to continue to  take bold steps to reclaim my individuality and let go of the little girl than has no safe place to be or rest.

The 'also' word was for my daughter, Katie.  It always bring a smile to my face when I hear the word.  We can be in the midst of a lengthy conversation, and she will interject with 'Also ---' and bring in something completely different (somehow related but different) that will cause the conversation to do one of those screaming car chase turns where the person will cause the car to go into a spin and as they're spinning, they shift gears and speed in the opposite direction.  It's a gift she has!!!

I love shopping for clothes these days - but I have to always allow several hours for the event.  I'm more harsh on myself in a dressing room than even Clinton Kelly and Stacey London with clients in their 360 mirrored room.  I sit down, bend over, twist, stretch, touch my hands to the floor, look at my ass, smooth my hand over my ass, scrutinize for various lumps, bumps, lines and anything that in general would give away the fact that I have a body under the clothes - and an older body at that!!  (Okay, I do feel better now than at any other point in my life - except probably when I was 10 or 11:)

Well, I know there's probably more clever things I could say but that beautiful weather is still outside and I HAVE to get out too it.  Because I really do have to go to bed before 3am!!!

Going to try a short one.....really!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/5-activities-to-do-on-ambien-that-dont-involve-sleeping/

So, I posted this link on my fb but I also wanted to take a little more time and add a personal story for each of the 5 'activities to do on ambien that don't involve sleeping'.  I probably won't be really graphic about #2 - just sayin'.  It's none of your 'f***ing' business!  (Btw, when I am alone for any period of time, I take Ambien when I'm already in bed.  Sometimes that helps to avoid these scenarios..... sometimes not, as in my first story.)

My first story involves activities #1 and #4 together: John was out of town for the week, and I had taken my 15mg of Ambien. (normal dose is 10mg but I've been taking it for almost 4 years every night - I have EXTREME insomnia or I'm a 'short sleeper' - search the internet for that one, it's really cool!)  I was in bed reading when the thot occurred to me: "I could have a small bowl of cereal while I'm reading since I'm just sitting here in bed."  Of course, I had to get OUT of bed in order to get the cereal - but Ambien NEVER edits itself!  The rest of the events are hazy but they go basically as follows: at some point I spilled some of the cereal and milk on the book I was reading and on my bed.  I cleaned it up using some clothing beside my bed, then (apparently) got up, stripped the sheets off my bed, got a towel to put over the wet spot, got fresh sheets, remade my bed (perfectly along with blankets) and propped my book open so the wet page could dry.  Now, the only reason that I know I did any of this is because I saw the pile of wet sheets in a pile at the foot of my bed, and felt, then looked at the towel under the sheet that I put there to absorb the spilled milk!!  I have no actual physical memory of doing any of this - but I'm so anal even under the influence of Ambien that the bed was made as perfectly as I would have made it any other time.

I am always hungry when I take it - I always want 'just something to munch on'.  And if I don't take it and go immediately to bed, I will find some activity to do that I will most likely not remember and if I do remember it, it will be in a dream-like quality.  

Story involving activity #2:  Okay, so you don't get a story just a couple of comments!  Whatever, you pervert! Ambien heightens or stimulates personality characteristics making a lot of people more agressive in a variety of areas.  The article doesn't describe any sex that happens as good or bad, just insane.  Well, I'm not sure how anyone knows that since you NEVER remember that it even happened the next morning!

Activity #3 story: I normally type approximately 80-100 wpm.  I'm a much slower ambien-typist and I don't make a lot of sense.  I have actually confessed to some that I was typing 'under the influence'.  One night I was at home with my kids, had taken Ambien, and told them that I just wanted to send a quick email to a friend.  Well, at some point the kids realized I was typing about 2 words per minute - not exaggerating, and they attempted to get me to stop and resend it in the morning.  I was quite insistent that it had to go that night.  Within a few minutes I actually began falling over asleep.  Peter began to pull me up but instead of standing up, I merely bent over with my hands still on the keyboard in some sort of weird keyboard stretch.  They eventually got me up and in bed.  And then because the last couple of sentences in the email were almost unintelligible, they put a note at the bottom explaining to my friend that the email was sent 'under the influence.'


#5 Ambidialing:  Now, I have never specifically called anyone by phone while taking Ambien.  However, I have on many occasions been Ambien-overwhelmed to have deeply serious conversations with people.  I remember in particular - well, I had to ask Katie the next morning if it really happened, and it did - but in particular, I decided one night late that I needed to reassure Katie while I was 'under the influence' to "not worry if it seemed that the boys had more advantage in college because they got more money from the car wreck.  That she had lots of things going for her.  She was special too."  She said that I got very close to her face and spoke in a hushed voice which, of course, made me laugh so hard and everyone else too.


I have had occasion to take Ambien over the course of the last 15 years on a limited level - it's just these last 4 that it's become steady.  I remember several years ago it was taken off the market for several months.  It was during this time that people began to discover on a wide-scale level the amnesiac side effects - and they were very concerned.  I remember thinking, 'Of course, you don't remember!  It's a sleeping pill - you're not supposed to!!'  Thankfully, it came back on the market.  Because I'll tell you that I have never been able to take over the counter sleep meds.  They always made me feel drugged the next day (Ambien never does), and now I guess my body chemistry has changed, because they actually have the opposite effect and make me hyper!


Okay, so after taking my friend Lori home from work last night, I was reminded of a ridiculous discovery I've made in the past couple of months.  Do you realize there are many non-high security items that come in high security packaging??  1) Bagged popcorn from the Indiana Popcorn company - sort of like a thin chip flavored rice cake - but good:-).  The bags for these flavored (delicious) popcorn chips are IMPOSSIBLE to open without scissors - we tried!!  It was ridiculous!  It made me crazy, hysterically hyper just to keep trying.  2) Individually wrapped Sargento colby jack cheese squares, not really squares but rectangles.  There are instructions (isn't there on everything these days - we can't figure anything out for ourselves anymore) on the package that you are to pull it apart at the center.  And it does open this way, but in the process the cheese rectangle breaks in half!  If I wanted it in half, I would cut it.  I want the whole rectangle 'whole'!  I have tried on several occasions just to tear it at either end - IMPOSSIBLE!!  Ridiculously impossible!  What is up with that??  It's not like it's atomic or anything - it's just curdled milk. Really??  And I think the most ridiculous and frustrating, 3) The paper wrappings on straws.  Now, maybe I'm just 'straw paper-wrapper handicapped' - I don't know.  But it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get the paper off the straw without cracking the straw, or breaking it, or having to tear the wrapper off the straw into little pieces.  I mean, why does it have to fit so tightly???  WTF is up with that!! It's not like it will be unsanitary if it's a little loose!!


I would also like to inform whoever decides in all the places that they decide it, that using cheap thin toliet paper in a women's restroom isn't going to save you money!  We will simply use more!!


Is there any beverage more divine than carbonated water?  Just plain, simple, breathtakingly clear, tickly, and if I'm completely dehydrated, marvelously burning to my throat CO2 water!!!  Okay, Coke Zero runs a really tight second.  And delicious good quality coffee with flavored creamer comes in 3rd.


Gonna post this on fb - I think everyone should have immediate access to my personal experiences with Ambien!!  I know, I know....I'm so sacrificial - always thinking of others more highly than myself:p

Really - I'm Painting This Week??

You know, I don't really need it - but it's nice to be needed.  Started this day with Peter (my youngest son - soon to be 19) at the doctor.  He had/ has some kind of swollen, rashy 'thing'!  I say 'had/ has' because he still has it but we know what it is and got medicine for it, so it's almost like he 'had' it.  Poison Ivy - that's all. The doctor (PA Mark Ellis) that both my boys have almost always seen walked in the room and just announced it.  You know, for the almost 45 minutes that we waited he could have at least made a bit more of a production of it!  I mean, really, build up suspense, examine it while groaning, ooohhing and aaahhhing, sit back looking stumped or at least wait until he had asked his questions.  The questions were really just an attempt to verify his, "I told you I knew what it was!"  He's actually really cool and always tries to educate as well as medicate!  (Oh!!!)

Off to Walmart to be sure that they got the prescription that Mark just sent to them (give them at least an hour), so it's over to the AT&T store to check out upgrading my phone to a real full keyboard!!!  I'm very excited about this!!  After looking at several phones and verifying which keyboard I can feel with my fingers, I learn that we were supposed to have signed in upon arriving if we wanted to 'actually' be helped by someone in the store.  You know, if they'd just help us instead of worrying about getting us signed in first, we'd actually BE helped and then be out.  Signed in and found out that if I upgraded my phone before December, I would have to pay not only for the phone ($50 under our plan) but also the discounted (?) upgrade fee of $85!  SHIT!!  I really wanted a new phone now - but can't justify spending $135 right now for something that I don't need, when it will be free in 7 months.  Sometimes, it really sucks to be mature!

Picked up Ceci (Peter's 'little' friend - sorry Peter and Ceci:) and headed over to Hobby Lobby.  Peter needed a project board for his leadership presentation, and I'll take any excuse to go to Hobby Lobby.  Found a 'Prince of Persia' type glass and metal container for my Pensacola Beach white sand - it looks very cool magical!  Also, found some larger canvases on sale for my venture into picture painting.  (The title for this blog actually refers to painting several rooms in my house not any personal art project.)  And I got a table top easel....going to try painting a picture tomorrow - for the first time ever, other than I suppose when I was in elementary.  I can't remember if I ever did that or not but I'm sure based on my kids' art classes that I did.

I will be removing 'things' from walls and wiping them down tomorrow in preparation for painting them on Wednesday.  Getting my mirror in Georgia, deciding to 'do things I've only talked about', and wanting to get it done before Katie and Peter get home from school has really inspired me to get this painting done. Going to paint the dining room, hallway and spare bedroom.  No 'one room at a time' for me!  (John really loves that about me!)  It fits in the category of my lack of 'we've just met' filter.


We decided that the best use of time so that Peter and Ceci could get on the road back to Baylor and so that I could be on time for work would be to go home, have lunch and then go to Walmart and pick up Peter's prescriptions.  Amazingly, that worked!  They got out of town at a decent time, and I actually clocked in on time for the first time in about 8 months!!!! If you haven't seen me in some time, I haven't become a slug, I've just begun making lots of introspective changes that have outward manifestations.....leading to being a few minutes late for work almost every shift.  Intriguing, eh???  More like frustrating - if I'm going to be late, why can't I at least be late by like 30 minutes instead of 5 or 7??  30 at least looks like something legitimately held you up, 5 - 7 just looks like your sloppy and can't get it together!   Well......if the 'foo shits'!


Last week of stupidly insane minimal crews for work!!  Tonight (as other nights I know) there were only 6 of us to run the entire store (including the cafe) and we made almost $10,000!  It was non-stop at the cashwrap.  Now, on a really, really interesting note, I met the chef for the Astros who also runs his own catering business!  He was fabulous, and added a bit of late night fun to closing.  I'm thinking the food for my 50th birthday bash is taken care of!!!  Had to do a 'squirrel' thing and immediately send an email about the catering.


Still haven't heard from the researcher/doctor about the WSJ article "The Sleepless Elite".  I'm thinking of sending another email.  A friend posted this article for me concerning the discovery that 1-3 percent of the population are what researchers call 'short sleepers'.  They are people who legitimately only need 3-4 hours of sleep and are 'energetic, optimistic, outgoing, and ambitious, not seriously bipolar but slightly hyper-manic with a high tolerance for physical pain and psychological setbacks.'  Dr. Jones said, "When they encounter obstacles, they just pick themselves up and try again."  There are actually a lot of articles on line on this subject.  Btw, had to do another 'squirrel' moment and sent another email to the researcher.


You know, I love hand-me-downs!  Since my kids have all gotten larger Zune 'type' mp3 devices, the 8g (with possible up to 16g) mp3 player that Peter had is now mine!  So, whereas I could once have about 400 songs, now I can have.....oh.....up to 1500 songs (maybe even more)!  I think if I drove across the US and back, I probably couldn't listen to that many songs a single time!!  But it's good to have, just in case....:p


It's completely fascinating (for me) to note that since returning from my trips in the past month, I have been less 'spooked' during my late night ventures.  You understand that while most of you are wasting away the night hours by sleeping, I'm up composing, checking, recapping, creating, listening and planning!  In the recent past, I would have still done all this but been incredibly nervous and easily spooked while doing it.  It's 5:07am, and I'm actually beginning to feel real 'tiredness' set in.  And usually if I'm going to be able to fall asleep 'on my own' (meaning without Ambien aid), it is after 5am - that's when my subconscious believes it's the 'safest' to fall asleep.  I still only sleep a few hours, if I don't have a nightmare!  Damn!  If it's not one thing, it's another!!  So, to bring this full-circle back to the beginning of the paragraph (some of you weren't sure I would make it back, I know:), I'm not sure why but something about my trips has emboldened me or empowered me - probably because both Cheri and the Findley's have GINORMOUS windows all over their houses with no curtains that I had to either race by or get comfortable with.  Surprisingly, (since it IS all about me) none of them offered to cover the windows in any way!  What's up with that???


Oh, well, better go for the night.  Not because I couldn't keep talking - keep your rude comments to yourself - but because most of you won't last much longer if I keep going.
 And yes, but Wednesday of this week "I will be painting!"  (Thought I wouldn't make it back to 'that' one either, didn't you??  Oh, you of little faith in my ability to travel 500 miles away from my original topic and then get back to it!!)


Tomorrow: High security packaging on items that are most definitely not high security themselves.  "Talk amongst yourselves!"

Oh sure......why not?

So, for good or bad, I'm starting another blog.  It was recommended by a trusted source that since I so enjoy doing recaps when I'm on trips, it might be cathartic for me to recap every day - or as often as is interesting or possible.  Interesting will be the stronger push for me since it's hard to motivate myself to recap a boring day.   I mean, really!  Who wants to read that or be reminded of it.  However, if written, they will by the very nature of my personality be VERY lengthy.  I don't/ can't write the 'short, short' version of ANYTHING.  (first forewarning)

A friend of my son's recently described me by saying: "Oh, she has no 'we've never met' filter."  That is such an appropriate, accurate description, I'm going to have to use it myself.  You are forewarned (second forewarning) that if you continue to read, you will read something inappropriate or over-the-top or insanely insecure or misplaced, etc.  It wouldn't be fun if I didn't!!

**One week ago today, Cheri and I were sitting in the 'big comfy chair' outside the consignment ship in which I bought 'the mirror' - my first-ever wall-sized mirror.

This has been a day of small discoveries, victories and new frontiers.  And, of course, it doesn't take much for me!  The day started with the realization that there ARE actually stores that are closed on Easter Sunday - wow!  I'm surprised that there are businesses that actually do this still or now.  Tried to go to Central Market after church with Peter and Ceci.  As we drove in the parking lot, Peter exclaimed:  "WOW!  There's no one in the parking lot."   And within the next minute, we all realized it was because the store was closed.  Of course!  Because I have NEVER seen that parking lot empty - had to be closed.  (It was!)


Home to lunch: chicken fajitas - oh yeah!  And Cheri, your salsa was still fabulous!  Once CM opens again :), I'm going to purchase the ingredients to make my first batch - hope it turns out as good as the original.  Then it was time to introduce Ceci to another in a long line of Fager Family favorites (movies we love and have seen multiple times): Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  (I know, Katie, the books are better!)  I'm sure she's getting tired of hearing: "You've never seen ----?"  Sorry, Ceci:-p


Then it was off to the AT&T store to see about getting me a 'big girl' phone with a full 'qwerty' keyboard.  It's happening, Cheri!!  Cheri was so frustrated with my %#$&^*# texting while at her house, she requested John's cell phone number so that she could send a request that I be allowed to purchased such an equipped phone.  I was so disappointed when they also weren't open!!  What's the deal??  I'm going tomorrow before I have to close at the bookstore - as long as I'm not running behind..... Yeah!  Like that'll happen - and if you know me at all, you'll know what I mean by "that'll".  (third forewarning - my personality, characteristics are annoyingly desperate to be acknowledged/ heard/ seen/ accepted/ or at least commented on:-p) I've looked before and found one or two that I really liked.  (I do NOT like the ones with the touch keyboard - I want/ need to 'feel' those keys under my fingers.)


I'm hoping that this new phase of 'brenda' is not just impulsiveness but actually courage to do things that until recently I would say: 'Some day we need to.....Let's think about..... I'd like to......I'm interested in.....'  I finally explored Pandora on my nookcolor.  (No great thing to most of you - but exploring technology on my own is intimidating for me.... just sayin')  I love it so far - very similar to grooveshark.  It feels like I'm 'getting away with something' to listen to music there.  (good for my new 'breaking down boundaries' mindset) Also, decided to do another blog.  I seem to, for the moment, have grown away from/ out of/ crossways from my first one.


And although frustrating, I managed to set up this new one.  (had to have a little tutoring from John, but he's a patient teacher who wisely didn't do it all for me)  My identifying name 'btotherenda' is from my groovy friend and co-worker Jeff.  He's such a creative soul isn't he??  Actually, he's quite sarcastic, very blunt and quite jaded from years of customer service:-}  And I CANNOT believe the background choice that they had for me to choose from!  It's so awesomely perfect for these rambling thoughts.


As I'm listening to Pandora in the background on my nookcolor, 'Seasons of Love' (musical RENT) has come up for play.  I cannot express how much this song means to me at this point in my life.  'How DO you measure a year in the life'??  Well, it's not by mindlessly going along everyday making the same choices day in and day out without regard for why I make the choice or anyone around me or who I've become or will be or who I know or will know - too much to be experienced to do it on 'autopilot'!!  (okay, if someone will just remove the soapbox, I won't be able to get back on it!!  fourth forewarning - my soapbox issues come up suddenly and sometimes seem completely out of proportion - almost hysterical in nature!)


To post or announce on fb?????  That is my question as I get to the end of this first entry.  On the one hand, how will anyone know that I'm doing this if I don't??  Do I need anyone to read this for it to be helpful??  Well, if no one reads it, then does it truly serve a cathartic purpose since I'm obviously writing with 'some' reader in mind??  ALSO, I'm a performer - what performer doesn't need some kind of audience??  Do I actually believe everything is all about me if I post this??  Could something I experience in a day help someone, and so therefore, this is cathartic and profitable???  Oh, fuck it!  I'm posting it!  (just thought I'd break that inappropriate boundary right at the very beginning :s)