Variations On A Theme

(recent facebook status)  "John says the reason people (if they read it) don't comment on my blog is because they're EXHAUSTED by the time they finish reading and can't remember what they were going to say! Well........"

In response to my recent fb status post, a co-worker commented that I 'don't blog, I blong'.  Love that - although it does sound a little dirty....whatever!!

So, I've gotten some feedback on my recent blog about my choice for a physical representation of myself: a simple matchstick.  A former student has suggested that I am, in fact, not a simple match but a sparkler - like the kind that you play with on the 4th of July.  How cool is that?!  I copied and put her comment here so that I could quote her exactly - her imagery is great!  (and I just found this great image of a 'sparkler person' online!)

"When I read your blog, I didn't think of a match, I thought 'no' because although it lights the object, it goes out. I thought of a sparkler. It has more energy, and lingers even though it has gone out (like when you write with it). Your influence lingers even when you have moved on. Your influence is still on me more than 20 years have passed. Sometimes I dont want it to be..making me go outside of my comfort zone, but there it is. You pushed me to where sometimes I was resentful, but loved you at the same time.

Anyway, just wanted to say sparkler not match to me. :)"  (Carol)

I am humbled before her comparison.....

In addition (and just to keep me grounded in reality), when I shared this imagery with her, my daughter also had her own slant on me.  I'm not a simple match to Katie but, in fact, a freaking blow torch!!  Well, I wouldn't have put it so strongly but ---

I have discovered the 'freedom' of another simple, everyday item of apparel.  Those of you who know me on fb, will remember my discovery on my Minnesota trip earlier this year that snow boots are incredibly liberating based on their 'power' to allow me to walk anywhere I so choose in snow.  Well, I've discovered the Texas equivalent to snow boots: swim fins!!  I can really believe that I am a mermaid when I'm wearing them in the water.  I made this discovery at a friend's house celebrating her daughter's graduation from high school by swimming in their beautiful pool - oh, and eating their food! :}  And lest you think I'm completely self-absorped - pffftt! - getting reacquainted after some time of not seeing them!

I 'found' the fins in the pool amongst other pool toys floating aimlessly in the cool water.  I immediately put them on and discovered my own special brand of 'Nacho-styled eagle powers'!!  (And I didn't even have to eat raw eagle eggs!)  I shot across the pool and back again using their power to propel my body forward. It was exhilarating! I scraped the bottom of the pool diving too deeply for the force of my newfound power.  (Wow!  That's a really good sentence:)  Oh, for a larger expanse of water in which to set myself free.

On a more 'limiting' note, I did realize that because I have an irrational fear of 'dark water', I would have to be a mermaid in either the Carribbean or someone's Olympic-sized pool!  Not a bad thing necessarily - just not really in keeping with the mythological history of mermaid environments!  Oh well, I'm a 'sparkler, blow torch mermaid!  I can live wherever the hell I want!!

In case you couldn't tell....:p, the blog of sound effects!

FYI - just a note for those who may not know me well - this blog is one of the areas where I try very hard NOT to edit myself.  I do reread before I post to be sure that I haven't left out words in a sentence, and therefore rendered it even less understandable than normal, but other than that I try to post it exactly as it comes out of my head!  And for those of you who know me well - well....you've known this jewel of information almost since the moment you met me.  There's not a lot of 'we've just met' time with me:)

I would hope that we all at some point think about our impact on the world/ community/ society around us.  I mean, we live in the world together/ with other people and I think we should make conscious choices about how we influence each other.  For example, I try very hard (and sometimes it's all I can do to not scream) to be kind and friendly to every customer that I check out at Barnes and Noble.  I try to have a genuine, warm smile for each person that walks up to the register.  Some days - high, hyper-manic days - this is extremely difficult.  But usually every smile, every greeting is genuine.  And it's fun to watch people and note the realization on their face that someone is smiling at them - they usually smile back:)

So, I was thinking one day several weeks ago about what exactly my influence would look like if I could create a painting or drawing or pick something tangible to identify it with - and immediately a match came to mind.  You know, a match, as in light it so you can light a candle, a campfire, a piece of paper, or a fire-ant hill!  (It's especially fun to stab a stake into an ant hill, pour gasoline into the hole, and then throw a match into it - but you better be ready to run!!!  The resulting towering inferno can spread out with long tentacles depending on how far out the ants have burrowed!  It's quite fantastic and brings great joy to our family!  Yes, we're firebugs!)  So, this is how the match image fits me....

When you light a match, it flares up big - I am a 'flare' type person.  I enter a room in a flare, I talk in flares, I leave in a flare, and when ideas occur to me, I share them in a flare!  [large explosion noise here because i have no idea how to spell that sound http://www.partnersinrhyme.com/soundfx/PDsoundfx/PDsoundfx_sounds/gunsbombs_sounds/animal_explosion1_wav.shtml]  Of course, a match's whole purpose is to light other things - and that's what I do/ want to do/ hope I do every time I'm with people.  Sometimes it lights only one thing but if you're like me, you use it to light several things or keep it on the thing you're lighting until it burns out.  I want to light other people up or be used to continually light and encourage someone.  (for example, my friend who recently had to deliver her stillborn son)


I don't carry the image to it's extreme application in that I don't believe I'm going to die young.  I mean, I'm almost 50 - that's younger than it used to be but by no means am I a fresh box of matchsticks!


Most people know that I don't sleep.  Not 'I don't sleep well' but I literally don't sleep - unless forced to by prescription medication.  **background information alert: I've never slept well - I've always been a 'don't want to miss out on anything', high energy person - so I've really never needed a lot of sleep.  Even as a teenager, I never slept until noon or later - just couldn't/ can't do it.  However, the last five years have been the worst.  I went from getting 7 hours of sleep down to 5, then 4, then 3....well, you get the point.  Until now, when I only get about 5 hours of sleep by taking 15mg of Ambien.  ANYWAYS, Brenda, dang it!  Focus, woman!!


Over the past couple of years, several friends and now my counselor have asked me if I can point to a single traumatic event that might have triggered the 'no sleep' mode that I'm in currently.  And I've thought and thought and never been able to come up with anything.  I might say to them, 'Well, five years ago was when Josh, my oldest, first left for college.  I suppose that was emotionally big but I wouldn't call it a traumatic event.'


Well, now I do.  I've realized in the past few days that that event was actually HUGE!  It was the beginning of this whole new phase of my life as my kids begin their leaving home processes. (Josh, of course, has done his - college, internship, married, graduated - bam!!)  Not only was the actual event of leaving him at school incredibly traumatic - we were all literally sobbing - but it forced me to learn more respect for my kids: this time as young adults with the right to make their own choices.  So, it's conceivable that that 'event' was/ would have been traumatic enough to trigger something.  The picture in my head (do you get the idea I'm a visual learner?) is of a box this time.  Deborah, my counselor, has talked about my being able to take back the key and control for my own box from my parents and outside authorities.


So, my box (incidentally made of concrete) is carefully secure, solid until five years ago - and then I force myself to 'let my son go'.  Btw, he didn't think he wanted to go at the time but within a few weeks of being away was so liberated and empowered, I was glad that I didn't 'rescue' him.  And as I squelch the mother voice in my head that wants to hold him in my arms and protect him, my box gets the smallest, almost imperceptible crack - http://www.freesound.org/samplesViewSingle.php?id=114300. (have to manually hit the little black play button above the wave image on this sound effect - lame, I know)  And that's enough to let out a little emotion, which then pushes the crack farther open, allowing even more 'stuff' out. Eventually, the sides begin to slip and break apart.  They can't stay together or keep anything inside - causing an extreme fear reaction in me - fear that I was/ am losing control, going crazy or dying for sure.  (I'm nothing if not extreme:)  My carefully protected box contents, began to spill out, crazily, wildly, at the most inopportune moments - and they were not pretty!  Wow!  So not pretty! (Just ask my gorgeous DIL:)


I'd say that's a pretty 'single traumatic event' that could have precipitated a whole bunch of box content dump!  So, that's my newest insight into the swirling abyss of my life and thoughts....hope it was worth the read!


hehehehe!  I put an explosion and crack sound in my blog.....(sound designer anyone?!)

BANG!! Perfect Clarity!

Why am I a barely controlled fuming, crazy woman (i.e. a living example of everything negative in my mother) tonight?  Why is my irritation barely concealed beneath vain attempts to laugh at what has become our favorite family show? The Big Bang Theory (more about that hilarious show later!)  Holy shit!  I'm so irrational, what is the deal??  Aaaagggghhhhh!  As I was asking myself those very questions just a few minutes ago, I had a moment of 'perfect clarity' to quote Reg from 'Deep Space Nine' - oh, yeah!  Star Trek nerd!  (I had one just a few days ago too - it's rare to have even two so close together - seriously - and that's according to Major Kira.)  Moments when everything is crystal clear and makes absolute perfect sense.  I saw myself, the moment, my emotions, my thoughts from earlier in the day as a perfectly crystalized moment realizing where it was all coming from.........


I have to go back to work tomorrow.  Damn!!  I've been off (from my part-time work at Barnes and Noble) for 2 1/2 weeks - and I don't want to go back!  I know some of you hard-asses are saying - you've been off for 2 1/2 weeks and you don't want to go back to work - tough!!  Well.............well...........pooh on you!!!  (I'm a master of witty comeback repartee!:)


Okay, so back to my 'clarity' - I think much of this current depression (which I haven't felt for weeks and weeks) stems from the feeling that if I 1) go to sleep tonight, and 2) go to work tomorrow, I will never have another moment of free time.  Not true, I know, but it FEELS like it!  I feel trapped; I'll never escape.  I'll never breathe again --- okay, so that's a little extreme but if you could be inside my body right now, you might agree.  YOU might need oxygen.  Maybe it won't last as long or be so bad as in previous episodes??  One has hope :S


My other moment of 'perfect clarity' - they're so rare, I knew you'd want to hear about the other one - was just a few days ago as I was driving in my car.....and yes....I was talking out loud to myself!  How else do you think I came to this moment??  I have just added a new responsibility to my life: Box office/ House Manager for the Music Box Theater - started by an amazingly gifted friend, her husband, another actor and cast by the three of them and two other actors.  (They're amazing, btw!)  And I have begun to think that I'm going to have to 'drop' something else somewhere...  Now in the past, when I've added something new, eventually I have to drop something.


***Startling life truth spoiler: NO ONE is Wonder Woman!!!!  Sad, but true!


Back to the story.  And, in the past, after having to drop something because I'm not WW, I've always felt guilty for being a 'filthy, rotten, dirty quitter!'  (here I'm quoting Dr. Bob Jones, Sr., founder and head of the topmost looney bin for fundamentalism crap!!!  Yep!  I said that out loud 'in front of the salt shaker'!! :D)  If I were such a great person, a great believer, I SHOULD be able to do it all!  And I should like it!!  Well, I can't!  And I don't!!  And, you know what, that's not only okay, it's good!  


So, really, I haven't gotten to the description of the 2nd moment of clarity, yet??  Focus, Brenda, focus!!  Okay!  (hear Jeff Dunham's Peanut's voice:  He's a Baylor grad - Jeff not Peanut!  Although if Jeff is, then.......)  It struck me in realizing that I'm not a quitter for not being WW, that we really, truly do go through 'seasons' in our lives.  And as we move through those seasons not only we personally but the circumstances and situations change. So, as I think about gaining new things and letting go of things I've been holding for a while, it's more about the ebb and flow of my life and not that I 'can't handle it'.


For example, if I move out of state, I will not be able to hang out with the people I now hang out with now.  And just like the people I've left behind, my life will include new people and new places and new situations.  I'm probably belaboring (really, Brenda, you belabor a point? Naw!) something that most people already get or accept - but it was such a profound, absolutely clear moment for me.  One more stair step on the climb to freedom.  Which, btw, my climb is a strenuous one.  As I told a friend just recently, 'I don't even know that I don't know!"


*Important note to insert right here: you can blame my DIL for the continued 'stream of consciousness' writing that you find in my blog!  I try very hard for this to be one of the places that I DO NOT edit myself.  Kind of like the comment Peter's friend at Baylor made: "She doesn't have a 'we've just met' button."  And speaking of editing - 


I've recently completed a couple of days of additional Stanford testing (I'm an approved administrator for Stanford Achievement testing by the aforementioned bastion of fundamentalism prison! Amazing - because if they really knew me!)  The young lady that I was testing has a tendency (as do most junior high students) to highly edit herself.  And I realized as I observed her - I edit myself....so much, and it's such a thief, this 'editor'.  I'm working to quiet the editor in my head - she has a VERY large red pen!  In editing herself (my student) and myself, (1) we lose the use of available tools because we tell ourselves that we have to physically do everything ourselves without help.  We can't accept any help because it would look like we couldn't handle what we're doing. (2) We also waste LOTS of time on things that don't matter, things that are not of eternal value.  Editing forces focus on the minute (not always bad) and then lose sight of the BIG picture.  (3) We lose lots of joy stressing about what people are probably NOT thinking about us or what we're doing.  We also can't enjoy the current moment that we're in because we have to be worried about what we did in the past or what we will do in the future - always trying to gauge other's opinions of us.


Are you tired yet?  I am!!  So, thank you, Lizzie for your neurotic editing, darling!  You have given me great insight and perspective.  I hope I helped you today too!!


Towel Day tomorrow!  Only always......

'seriously wrong direction'

So, I've decided that enough time has passed that I can share a rather embarrassing episode from my trip to Georgia/ Florida....I know you can't imagine that I'd be embarrassed about much - but when something threatens other people's opinions of my intelligence level, I get nervous.  I mean, I do have a B.S. (and, no, I don't mean 'bullshit'!).  However, I believe that there is a tremendous lesson to be learned by possibly LOTS of people from the 'largeness' of my episode.....so much so that sharing any embarrassment suffered by me as a result is totally warranted.


It's very important in the very beginning of this blog to know that I have only in the past couple of years begun to really 'know' where I live on the map around Houston.  In other words, if I can 'see' in my head any particular road or freeway and where it cuts across the city, I know exactly where I am and can get myself home without help from anybody.  And I am VERY proud of that fact.  For years and years, I had to ask anyone giving me directions for the exact wording that would be on a sign on the freeway because otherwise I wouldn't be able to get home.  I couldn't 'see' myself on the map.  But not anymore!!!  I can drive myself around the city and back! :}


Many know that during the month of April I made a trip to Atlanta, GA to see one of my dearest friends today and from WAAAAYYYY back - all the way to high school....that's, oh, 30 years ago!!  Then I was headed to Havana, FL to see my old youth pastor and his wife, my high school speech and drama teacher (and favorite faculty from high school).  It was a great trip - but this blog isn't about that.  It's about the trip home...........


After stopping in Pensacola to see the most GORGEOUS beach I've ever seen:

I continued on I-10 FOREVER!!!!  I did get a small reprieve at New Orleans where I took I-12 above the city.  I missed that on the way out to GA and made sure I got it on the trip home.  About an hour out of New Orleans, I got back on I-10 at Baton Rouge, and then got to somewhere around Lafayette and stopped for dinner - about 10pm.  I was stopped for about 45 minutes: dinner, gas, walking around to stretch my legs.  


**Okay, background information break: Before this trip, I had been reading a book called, 'The Right Questions' by Debbie Ford.  Basically, it was about asking questions and then making decisions based on those answers that will empower your life as opposed to 'sucking your life' of energy.  In the opening chapters, she talks about 'first commitments' - those things that we believe at the core of our being because at some point in our early life we made a choice to believe it.  For example, (this was a real example in the book) if you're raised by very controlling parents, you might have made a choice as a young person to do whatever you wanted when you wanted.  So, as an adult you decide that you want to be more structured, more organized, more on-time.  Except that at every turn you seem to sabotage your efforts to do this.  You have to go back and figure out what is that 'first commitment' that you believe - because that is the stronger commitment.  No matter how much you want this thing right now, the stronger, underlying (first) commitment will always win out until you recognize and acknowledge it.


Okay, so back to the story.  After my dinner break, I took the entrance ramp back to I-10, found a great radio station and continued on my way.  According to 'Soki' I would be home at approximately 2:30am'ish'.  Cool - not too bad.  Since sleep is an elusive mistress to me, there was no need to even consider 'resting' before I got home.  I had been driving for sometime when all of a sudden I saw signs for I-12.  What??  Not really tired but getting a little fuzzy, it took a minute to realize that I 'shouldn't' be seeing signs for I-12 again.  I saw another one....What the hell??  I immediately called John - the final authority on my exact location at any point on the globe - whether he's with me or not!!!


Should I be seeing signs for New Orleans and I-12 again.  I already came through there!  (I demanded, as if at midnight he should instantly be aware of my exact location!)  He, of course, told me that 'No' I shouldn't be seeing those signs....................unless I was going the WRONG way!  Oh, God, no!!!  I had been driving for a long time - in the wrong direction.  How did this happen??


Suddenly, all the clues began to appear before me as if some magical potion had revealed ink that was hidden just a few minutes before.  As I got back on the freeway after dinner, I remember thinking, 'Now which direction? Oh, yeah, EAST.  I live on the east side of Houston, so I go East.'  Totally forgetting my earlier assurances to myself that even though it seemed wrong, I needed to head West to California - because I was already East of where I lived!!  In addition, I noticed that 'Soki' kept changing my arrival home time...3am, 3:30m, 4:10am??  What the he---??  Was she malfunctioning?  Why is my arrival time getting later and later in the morning??  And, if those two things weren't enough, 'Soki' also was 'telling' me with a little tiny directional sign that I was supposed to be on I-10 W (you see, like a good GPS user, I had put in my destination so that she could correctly direct me.).  Again, my brain refused to acknowledge that I was going in anything other than the right direction.


Now, before any of you smug, self-assured sleepy people say anything - NO, I was not groggy or sleepy or drowsy, and therefore turned the wrong direction.  If anything, after my break, I was incredibly more alert.  I had - right before realizing I was headed in the wrong direction - been car dancing to a great song, SEPTEMBER by Earth, Wind and Fire.  


I believe that what happened is exactly what Debbie Ford was talking about in her book: I had a deeper, first commitment to 'living on the eastside of Houston', and therefore, despite reminding myself several times on the trip home that I needed to be headed West, my underlying commitment to knowing that I 'know' where I live in relationship to a map of Houston and being VERY, VERY proud of that fact actually spoke louder in my subconscious.


Again, you smug, self-assured 'sleepy' people - this was not an issue of pride but of an underlying (first) commitment to the empowering fact 'that I know that I know'!!  It really wasn't until I was telling John and a couple other people, that I realized my 'mistake' had proven her theory!  I mean, I had made at least half the trip headed in the correct location.  So, it wasn't as if I hadn't acknowledged that heading home I would be headed in the opposite of what was a 'normal' direction for me.  Remember, on the way OUT to GA/ FL, I had driven East.



Well, there you have it!  After all of that, I finally arrived home at 5:30am - exactly the time 'Soki' had RE-calculated I should be! [:}  For those who can use this information for good, please do.  For those who would use this as a source with which to mock or slam me - at least make it clever, spectacular and timely!  That would earn you bonus points in the Public Speaking class that I teach!!

It always get worse before it gets better......right?

This is the state of my dining room right now......at this very moment!  It's incredible the amount of shit there can be in a room and still be room to move around and paint giant shelves, a dresser, and a small bookshelf! :)  Those triangular shapes in the middle of the room are actually shelves that get built right onto the wall.  Katie and John built them together several years ago when we painted she and the boys' room.  And, yes, you are looking at the first coat of the accent/ trim color that Katie chose.  Her wall color is a pink champagne.  Her room is at the moment a cliche of 'Steel Magnolias' - (the accent color appears very dark) 'This color is all wrong.  It looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hands.' and (wall color is light pink) 'My colors are blush and bashful.  I have chosen two shades of pink - one is much deeper than the other.'  I think it's going to be great but as with most things.....it always looks worse right before it looks better.


What a day!  It felt like I was racing to 'catch up' all day.  And I'm not sure that I ever did...I told my family that it felt like this was going to need to be an all-nighter - pretty close so far.  Actually, I'm really trying to finish up in the next few minutes so that I can 'rest' for at least a bit.  Last day of regular Stanford testing - I'm the administrator for a local homeschool group. Tomorrow is make-up day and OLSAT testing, and hopefully, lunch/ coffee with a dear friend that I've been trying to hang out with since last summer.  No lie - sometimes it takes that long to 'work out the details'!


Despite my slight anxiety over the above picture and the current state of my house (the whole house is in similar disarray), I really, really love to paint.  A friend said that he was amazed that I can paint such straight lines when 'cutting in' despite not taping anywhere - he didn't know I could slow down enough to do it.  As I think about it, me too!!!  For whatever reason, painting is incredibly relaxing for me - and so I am able to slow down...


Incredible moment in the cosmos tonight (this is why the weather/ sky/ humidity was so funky today): Katie and I were painting the dresser in the picture above and had the same idea at the exact same moment!  Weird!!  She said: "Don't think I'm weird for this but I have a crazy idea.  One that I could actually work on once everything's been moved back in place."  I said, "I bet we're thinking the same thing.  Do you want to paint the design in the dresser with the wall color?"  Katie: "Yep!  I think I could."  Me: "I think so too.  I have some very small paint brushes which would help you get into the small detail on the front."


Startling revelation:  I talk out loud to myself all the time in lots of places, for example, in my car.  (and since I also sing and dance in my car, you can imagine I would be quite amusing to observe!) In my car, I don't edit - WOW - cool 'in this moment' realization.  I'm almost childlike in my 'actions based on belief' - I'm free to act anyway I like because I imagine that the people on the outside can't see me.  Btw, it's scientifically proven that this is healthy to talk out loud to yourself, and that if you don't you could actually be mentally ill.  Or maybe you just aren't secure enough to admit you do, eh?  Well, 'I ain't skeered' to admit it.  I have, in fact, worked out many issues by doing it.  I've kept myself from having to eat crow or shoe leather or apologize to someone that I really didn't want to.


So, anyways, I was talking out loud a couple of days ago in my car about my friend and her husband and their great, great loss.  I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but I got to a point where I was imagining my friend looking around her house and seeing all the preparation that's been made for this new life: a crib, bedding, clothes, toiletries, whatnots, toys.....places set aside.....space made --- 'I made space for you.' Wow!  profound perspective on several levels: 'I made space for you.'  They made space for this new life: space in their home, space in their lives, space even in her body.  And when you on purpose make 'space' for anything - it's loss takes a great deal of readjusting to make up for the emptiness when it's gone.  Life does go on but you wonder what to do with this hole - this wound.  You can go a few minutes without thinking about it - a brief respite - but in the next moment when a fresh wave of the loss comes over you, the pain seems even worse, deeper, more suffocating, more unreasonable!!


I  hope that if my precious friend ever reads these words that she will know that they are in honor of her, that she will not be offended or the wound opened fresh.  I love you, sweet, dear friend.

Monday (okay, you know it’s actually Tuesday the 18th, don’t you? :p), May 17th

(posting this several days after writing - couldn't post it at the time)

‘fasten your seat belts’………

Inside of an elevator door???  At the Hampton Inn in Arkadelphia, you bet!!  And beside the statement was an Adirondack beach chair right on the edge of a beautiful beach.  Black and white photograph – they’re the best!!!!  I have never seen a sign on the back of an elevator door let alone one that said that!  And outside of every hotel room was a plate with the room number and a relaxing black and white picture of something.  Ours: a mailbox that had a sign below that said, “the door store”.  Love it!  Way to go Hampton Inn, 108 Malvern , Arkadelphia, AR!!

And, yet, how is it possible to have joy in the face of inexplainable pain and sorrow???  How is it I can forget for even a moment that my precious, most precious, sweet, personality twin is suffering through the greatest grief of her young life???  How will she and her husband – how does any parent – walk through the loss of a child???

She was 6 months pregnant (or close to that) and realized yesterday (Sunday) at some point that she hadn’t felt the baby move in several hours.  She was afraid, her husband called the doctor, took her to emergency, and the doctor told her that the life of her young child was gone……..just like that……..no warning………no preparation………….no justification.

There was fear in the beginning…you see, my friend has a hormone contradiction – a hormone in her own body that actually fights her body’s system, fights her body’s ability to get pregnant.   Years of therapy, treatments, doctors…and then, oh joy, she was pregnant!  Really??  Yes, really!!  Much prayer, watching, doctor visits, and she passed the dangerous period.  She and her husband could relax and really enjoy their baby.  Family and friends breathed sighs of relief, they too could relax and share in their joy.  Baby showers were planned, gifts bought, gobs of ‘bump’ pictures, onsies, blankets, bumper pads, bottles, wipes, diapers…..all in anticipation of…………finally the ultrasound………in anticipation of a boy………….little Gideon was on his way!!!  

She and her husband overflowed with joy – their son was on his way!!  No one could be around them for even a few seconds and not be affected by their love, their happiness, their ecstasy.  And they willingly shared every moment of their experience with those around them – at the same time sensitive to those who were in the same place they had been before Gideon.  I have anticipated for several days the upcoming ‘girl date’ she and I were planning.  It is a gift to be around her – she spreads sunshine and love like no one I know!!  Loving, understanding, encouraging, gregarious, joyful, always ready to be the sunshine in the room.

And now she lays in a hospital room with a dead baby inside her….waiting to deliver – yes, deliver…..In a horrible act of biological cruelty, not only must she lose her first child, she has to deliver it as if he were coming into the world alive and strong.   Why???   Why couldn’t she have had warning???  Why did this have to happen AFTER her most recent (as in the day before she miscarried) baby shower.  New things:  clothes, pacifiers, more diapers, cute little boy outfits – not that there is as much ‘cuteness’ for boys as there is for girls – washcloths, baby wipes, little tiny socks barely large enough for an adult finger, and soft toys for Gideon’s crib….How fair is that????  How ‘kind’ is that????  How in the hell do you walk through that???

I know what it is to come close to losing a child, to losing all my children – so very close.  It is shattering, like having everything around you suddenly hold the most dear shatter, splinter into thousands and thousands of little tiny slivers that will be impossible to put back together.  I remember the first life-flight. I remember hearing Joshua yell for me to stop.  I remember how it looked to see Peter at the age of 6 pinned under a 15 passenger van and not know which way to drive in order to avoid killing him.  I remember – clear thinking in the midst of chaos, thank you Josh – Josh yelling for me to back up, “Back up, Mom!”  I remember seeing his brother and sister work as a childish trauma team desperate to make their little brother be okay.  I remember two MRI’s later and an overnight stay taking him home – he was fine except for the broken blood vessels in his eyes, face and neck that cleared up in 6 weeks.  I remember a moment of panic: What if I had driven forward???

I remember 4 years later driving through an intersection realizing that the oncoming SUV was NOT stopping.  I DON’T remember the car rolling once before stopping.  I remember broken glass, Katie frightened covered in glass, Josh in the backseat blood gushing out of his mouth, and Peter – oh God – Peter so far away down the road.  Why was he so far away?  Why was he laying on the ground?  Oh God!!!  I have to get to him!  I remember wondering why I was having such a hard time breathing??  I remember Josh bleeding on the side of the road telling me not to worry about him bleeding just to take care of his little brother.  I remember the blood from Peter's ears and eyes and his chest literally caving in. I remember Katie trapped in the car – desperately trying to help me find my cell phone to call John.  (we have cell phones, nobody memorizes numbers anymore)  I remember kind people with blurred faces helping me and my kids.  I remember Katie being tended every so wonderfully by emergency personnel who had to cut her out of the car with the Jaws of Life – cool name.  I remember being strapped to a board for hours and not knowing if the pain I felt was due to my injuries or the board itself.  I remember Josh joking with the emergency room nurses telling them that I drank terribly and smoked 2 packs a day!  And I remember his tears that I had to be strapped to the board longer than him.  I remember being told that he had a broken jaw and broken collarbone.  I remember knowing that Peter was hurt badly, and I couldn’t get to him.

I also remember the ‘coincidence’ that John happened to be working in the medical center that day and so he was at Hermann before the lifeflight helicopter carrying Peter and the ambulances with Josh, Katie and I  got there.  I remember finding out later (two weeks later) that the lifeflight guys told John that they didn’t think Peter would survive!  And then realizing that one of the lifeflight technicians and one of the emergency nurses had been on duty that night 4 years earlier!!!  I remember Katie’s loneliness, Josh’s almost continuous pain, and Peter being tied to his bed because his comatose thrashing threatened to further injure him.  I remember the waiting room FULL of people there to see and encourage us for the week that Peter was in ICU.  I remember the bolt (yes, an actual bolt) that they screwed into Peter’s head – that then had to be taken out and moved to another spot on his head!!

Then, I remember being told that Peter would have to go to a rehab hospital and thinking, “Oh God, this could be a very long process.”  And I remember the second weekend after the wreck not eating because they had not determined if Peter would be able to eat yet.  (how could I eat if my son could not, and he cried all day, “Mommy, I’m so hungry.  I’m so hungry.”)  And I remember seeing my kids draw closer together than any 3 siblings I had ever seen.  And I saw that again this weekend!  They are as close as any 3 people I know!!  I sometimes (in a weird way that few can appreciate) sometimes wish that we could go back there.....everything was very clear back then, it was very easy to say 'No', very easy to focus on what was most important.

And yet, I would have never wished something traumatic for my beautiful friend and her husband.  I am prostrate before my pain for my friend!  I want to know why???  Why does she have to endure this?  Why does this have to be a part of she and her husband’s lives???

Don't Know Where to Start.....

I don't even know where I'll start this entry.  Nothing really spectacular about the day other than my first ever live spectatorship of an Ultimate frisbee game.  And yet, I feel like if I stop writing that I'll never get the chance to do any of this again.  I know that's not true but when your emotions are a 20 foot wall crashing in on you, they sound REALLY loud!

Our final day in Indiana - such bittersweet emotions - but it couldn't have been spent better.  We spent a basically normal day with Josh and Lynette.  I think:)  Although, due to a communication breakdown (that's always how it goes), we were almost late to church this morning.  And although I'm currently in a 'been to church my whole life and don't know why I go now' phase, I have to give their church 'props' (to use a Joshua phrase:).  They have not felt the need to build some massive structure in which to fulfill what they believe is their church's contribution to the great commission.  They, in fact, rent out the local YMCA for their Sunday morning services.  And it seems to work well for them.  I appreciate the fact that they didn't talk about caring for their community from some billion dollar facility that sucks all their funds into maintenance and upkeep, and therefore, cannot be used for that same community that they supposedly care so much about, ad infinitum...........  Here's a church actually partnering with a local establishment, and so therefore, making an impact without having to beat people over the head with their gospel!

Really awesome to see Josh give the challenge to the youth during the second service.  How privileged as a parent to see your son or daughter impacting their own community in their own unique way.  I love that about us as people - we're all so specifically different - how can we not appreciate each other, respect each other, and want to hang out together!!!

After church, it was home for a quick lunch of grilled/ or non-grilled sandwiches and chips before we braved the elements for an Ultimate Frisbee game.  51 degrees when we got to the field and very rainy, windy - the field was already basically 'flooded' - so that by the time we got to their specific playing field out tennis shoes and socks were soaked and our feet cold.  I thought as we sat at one point with umbrellas covering us because the rain was driving so much, "I didn't sit out in the freezing rain when my kids were in junior high or high school.....why am I doing it now when they're college kids?"  haha!  It was actually fabulous to not only see my first Ultimate Frisbee game - unideal conditions and all - but to see all four of my kids playing together!

**brain ooze comment: It's so cool to realize that anytime I think about 'my kids' now, it always includes a 4th - my DIL, Lynette!  

I will be posting pictures of this freezing rain Ultimate madness when I get back to Texas.  By the time we left to go back to Josh and Lynette's, we were all wet and frozen.  I realized during the game that I was having difficulty trying to take pictures because my hands and fingers and the sleeves of my hoodie were wet and frozen.  Slipping, falling, splashing, and cracking their knuckles and fingers a hundred times each, the players endured an hour in the elements.  Although, Courtney Gremaux was deftly attempting to convince them to end earlier than the 1 hour.  Her clever persuasion tactics included such comments as: "Did we win yet?" "Has it been an hour?" "You are all so tired and cold...."  Nice try, Courtney, but this is a dedicated.....okay, well, maybe they're just insane!


Trudged across the even more wet fields to get to the cars, find any and everything that we could use to sit on for the trip back to J&L and protect the car seats from our wet asses!!  Had to break in to some of Katie's packed stuff!  She seemed a little offended that I would suggest we use her renaissance style dress as something for someone to sit on!  Sorry, Katie!  Really, baby!!  It washed up fine - but i will hold to my promise and have it dry cleaned when we get home if you want!  Thanks for taking one for the 'team':-D


Phone discussions on the trip back to Fort Wayne decided that we would have 'breakfast for supper'.  I love having that.  John and I decided to do it up really well for our last meal together for now.  We had biscuits and gravy, hash browns, bacon, bagels and cream cheese, and scrambled eggs with sauteed vegetables on the side.  The 'kids' were duly impressed.  Watched some more of "Big Bang Theory" - gonna have to 'Netflix' that one when we get home.  Very specific character creations by the actors - which is difficult to do when they all have a similar premise.

Did several loads of laundry - we certainly couldn't travel with stinky wet clothes from the Ultimate madness this afternoon.  Well, technically, we could but we'd probably gag several times - and I would have to text my dear friend who not only DOES NOT throw up, she cannot even abide the 'throwing up' sound.  Which, of course, means I do it often when I'm with her....sorry, Sharon!!  Not really!!! :P


More of the Arthurian role playing game, a walk outside in the 46 degrees that felt like 40 (yummy!!!!), couple more episodes of "Big Bang Theory" while Katie and Peter repacked their shit - I had to go all 'parentish' for a minute or two and they threatened to leave me alone in one of the cars tomorrow.  I told them that wasn't a threat because I like to drive by myself!!  Then we all decided (well, except me) that it was time to say goodnight (NO:!) since we're all getting up early.  I know it's time but I don't wanna :{


Been listening to Disney animated movie songs and other musical movie songs as I type - the ones my kids like a lot (or did:) - what the heck - Disney is classic and can be enjoyed at any age and musical theater is just good.  "I'll Make a Man Out of You" - Mulan, "The Gospel Truth" - Hercules, "Joyful, Joyful" and "O Happy Day" - Sister Act 2, "Skid Row" - Little Shop of Horrors, "Music of the Night" - Phantom of the Opera.


Oh, so going to have to blog about seeing 'Phantom of the Opera' with the kids a couple of years ago.  So INCREDIBLE!!!!  I have never had chills so much during a theater performance as I did that day.


Have to stop - it's okay, really.  I know that we'll be back up here very soon - sooner than we realize.  it's just..........so very hard sometimes.............in a unimaginably significant way.  This is like not wanting to be the first one to hang up.  I've never been good at that - EVER!!!!

Does your identity transcend the moment you’re in?

Huntington University 2011 graduation has come and gone – but several things made it memorable and incredibly appropriate for Josh, my oldest.  Gotta say it was weird to watch him walk in in his regalia – not walk out since he ‘altered’ his outfit to more correctly reflect who he is on the way out…(more about that in a bit)  I appreciate most of all Josh’s ease with himself and confidence in who he is and what he believes.  He is a no-nonsense, practical, incredible young man who loves God, his wife, his family and young people, especially those from disadvantaged backgrounds.

It must – really must – be said that marching in the graduation ceremony today was the last thing Josh was interested in doing.  I’m just glad he’s married!  You see, it’s interesting that a mom has lots of influence over her ‘little boy’ and disciplinary influence over her ‘young man’ but almost NO influence over the ‘college man.’  However…………..the wife has LOTS of influence, and Lynette informed Josh that since she had to march last year, he had to march this year.  He did try some last minute stall tactics that totally failed.

So, first of all, the speaker was at least 10 times better than last year when my DIL graduated!  Of course, that wouldn’t take much.  Joseph Stowell is an exceptional speaker skilled at conversational presentation and easily adaptable to unforeseen situations that always arise.  During his speech to the graduates the fire alarm went off….twice.  The first time I think it rang for almost 2 minutes straight.  Not only did he easily pick up where he left off but he even adapted the rest of his speech to include several references to that occurrence.  For those who aren’t public speakers, let me assure you, those are very difficult things to do!  Josh said that he was ready to evacuate the building and then not come back in for the rest of graduation!

Secondly, Josh’s nickname all the way through college was “Thug” for a couple of reasons.  One, he has a natural reserve in any new situation, and so therefore, comes across as tough and silent.  In addition, since he was a little boy, he wanted to be African-American.  Sorry, Josh, couldn’t help you on that one!  So, as a part of his graduation outfit, he wore a ‘do-rag’ with a noticeable knot under his mortarboard hat.  He also threw up a gang symbol into the camera right after getting his diploma and shaking hands with President Dowden.

When he did his internship in Chicago he met a lot of young artists from the inner-city – musicians, rappers, artists, etc.  One of these young men was a graffiti artist.  As a wedding gift to Josh and Lynette, he painted their names in graffiti-style lettering on white ball caps.  They wore these caps for their wedding rehearsal, and Josh wore his again as he and Lynette left the wedding.  Well, Josh brought the hat out again today for graduation.  When the recessional began, he took off his mortarboard and put on the ball cap leaving the ‘do-rag’ on underneath.  It was amazingly epic!  We loved it and cheered when he walked by!  Oh to do my graduation over again….sigh…..

It’s hard in light of Josh’s almost total detachment to the whole ‘ceremonial’ process, it’s really hard to get sentimental and weepy.  I’ve seen posts by other friends who have such sentimental thoughts about their kids and graduating.  I tried to ‘conjure’ up some tears today before graduation, couldn’t make them last….Why try, you say??  Well, I guess despite excellent counseling, I’m still influenced by the ‘shoulds and oughtas’ of other people.  Josh would say, “Don’t do it!  It’s stupid!  It’s not important!  Be your own person!”  What a strong confident answer….he must be a strong, confident person….he is……he must have a great mother….he does!  Yeah, I said it!  What about it?!?  Feelin’ froggy? Jump!  (And if you understand those last two short sentences, then you’ve seen a really great movie!)

In my effort to bring forth the motherly, emotional tears today, I thought back through his life.  He’s been/is:  a cowboy (Believe that if you will! I’ll post a picture when I get home to prove it!), a Power Ranger, a biker (for only a short period), a class clown, an athlete (a sinking great, agile, fast basketball and Ultimate player), a nerd (okay, he’s still that today), a video game junkie, a great older brother,  a technology addict, an excellent son, and a great husband!  I can’t believe it’s all gone so fast!  I told Katie and Lynette today at the Upwards football game we were watching – Lynette is one of the kindergarten/1^st grader cheerleading coaches – that when they had children they needed to ‘Focus!’  Don’t try to do too much….just focus…..focus on them, what they’re doing, who they are, where they are, who you are and what you’re doing with them.  All too soon they’re almost 23, married and living 1100 miles away….And I wouldn’t take any of that away from him!  Or any future/ road/ adventure that's ahead for Josh, Lynette, Katie or Peter!!

Oh great!!!  Now, I’m crying….maybe it’s better this way.  My family may read this later and know I was crying, but there’s no awkward silence in the room that no one wants to break for fear that my emotions may ‘get away from me and get all over them’! :}  (Probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to Katharine McPhee’s version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow from her American Idol performance…:P  Such heart and soul in her solo….)  I’m now listening to Josh Groban’s version of ‘You Raise Me Up’……and realized that this is exactly what all of my kids (Lynette included) do for me!  I'm a better person for their influence in me.  They give me great courage in this time of self re-evaluation and growth.

I hope you're transcending the moments......and living in all of them!

It's not all going to fit..............Pffft!

Thursday, May 12th: Packing Katie’s Stuff/ Loading Cars

So, we arrived in Huntington at the university at about 10am.  In order to have room for Katie’s stuff and for me to help her get started, John and Peter dropped me off to begin helping Katie pack and they drove our stuff to Fort Wayne to leave it at Josh and Lynette’s.  Katie is storing some things at a professor’s house, so we don’t have to take it all home - that's really small comfort compared to the amount of shit that she has! :) (and I'll take it all to have her home for the summer!!!)  I have to point out (since I said something to the opposite in an earlier blog) that Katie was much more focused and organized this year.  In addition, most of her clothes were either hung up or in her drawers, so there were no multiple layers of bedding and clothes to go through on her bed.  Still, it was a process that took us 7 hours (including a one hour lunch break).  And I’m sure that it seems to take longer than it should because Hardy is the only Residence Hall on campus that is NOT air-conditioned.  And for you Texas friends who have never ventured beyond the Texas border, it does get hot in other parts of the country.  It could have been so much worse if it weren’t so dry up here.  The breeze this evening was lovely!

The ‘Hank Hetrick car packing’ test that John passed years ago when he packed up my stuff to move us to Michigan, he could pass today easily again!  He is an amazing packer – able to get more shit into a car than just about anyone else I know!  At one point he was very discouraged, when it looked like we he and Peter weren’t going to be able to get all Katie’s stuff in our two cars.  It had been his idea to bring our ‘little’ car – the dodge caliber (I LOVE that car – it’s so cute!) – in order to save money on gas.  He reasoned that since Katie also has a car, we would easily be able to get everything in the two cars.   Well, when all of a sudden, both cars were full and there was still stuff to pack, and he was very discouraged at his 'unfortunate' choice, I just told him that I KNEW he was going to get it all in – because he had NEVER not been able to get everything into a car at any point during any trip we’d ever taken!  And, of course, he did!!  No worries – okay, well, maybe some worries but they’re covered.  He’s more determined than ever to teach he and Katie both how to clean out and actually throw things away!!

 

I also MUST point out that Katie has grown so confident in herself and made so many amazing friends, there have been real tears this year at saying goodbye to friends who are graduating or just to friends that she won’t see for the whole summer.  Her roommate and best friend and I, Alysse, shared a really special moment after she and Katie had hugged and said goodbye (both in tears).  We cried and she whispered to me, “Take care of her for me.”  It’s makes me cry right now as I type that – what a beautiful, hysterically funny, young woman she is, and I’m so glad she’s such a huge part of Katie’s life.  I smiled at her and said to her, “Thanks for loaning her to me for the summer.”  I know that the moments left for Katie and I (and her dad and her) to really ‘be together’ are getting fewer and fewer and they are so precious!!

Got to Josh and Lynette’s by about 6:30pm – she had Tacos ready for us!  Yes!  A Fager family staple that she has happily perfected.  She explained that she had given Josh all the dinner meal choices for the rest of the week and weekend since he graduates this Saturday.  Got introduced to “Big Bang Theory” show tonight also – GREAT show!!!  We completely identify with a show about complete and total nerds!  While the ‘kids’ threw around a disc (or is it spelled 'disk' when referring to a Frisbee?), I walked, ran, jumped, hurdled and danced my way around their apartment complex.  It felt great after 24 hours of being cooped up in a car and then spending this day packing up boxes and carrying them down 3 flights of stairs.  Of course, Katie had to live on 3^rd floor Hardy – it’s the best – sheesh!  Why does she have to have the best??  By then, Josh was home from work – and we learned a new game.  An adventure, role playing type game.  I never understand those – my left-sided brain doesn’t follow all the ‘hoops’ you have to jump through – and more importantly, why…..  Josh, however, did a great job of explaining after I almost cried on one of my turns.  The exchange went something like this:  Josh: “Mom, it’s your turn.”  Mom: “Okay, look, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  I’m not fucking following any of this!”  To which he responded with great patience (really) and explained the whys of the game in visual terms and references that I finally understood!  Thanks, Josh!  After years of dealing with me and knowing that our brains work similarly, he understood what I needed to be able to play the game without having to ask for every move.

And that brings me to this moment…at 2:01 am Friday morning.  I did actually take Ambien on our trip – at about midnight on Thursday morning.  I slept for a couple of hours – not bad for me on a trip.  I don’t normally take Ambien on a trip because I don’t want to burden my family with me completely out.  However, this time John convinced me to take it.  Because I still didn’t sleep well – I actually had a nightmare right as I fell asleep, don’t normally remember ANY dreams on Ambien, let alone bad ones – I felt groggy and lethargic the rest of the morning.  I decided at about 8am Thursday morning before we got to Huntington that I could either continue to feel groggy or just wake myself up and get ready for packing up Katie – I chose waking up, of course.  So, since Monday night, I think I’ve slept about 3 hours.  Guess I should call it a night…..or would that be morning????  I think I’ll actually sleep now – maybe even a couple of hours longer….oh, the joy of small pleasures. 

However, I can’t post this right now….at 2:01am on Friday morning…..blogger.com is ‘unavailable’!  WTF, technology should work when I want it to!  Isn’t it still all about me???

Tea tomorrow (well, later today actually) with some British professors – really excellent folk!  Then maybe alcohol tomorrow evening with my favorite girls (minus one – Alysse, I miss you!).

Brain Dump - Holding tank for the 'ooze'!

(So, instead of making the next two entries one massive blog - like they started out to be, I’ve decided to break it up into two.  You see, I started this one Wednesday when we were traveling up here, and so much happened Thursday, I know I’d never be able to keep it a sane length if it were one blog.  And as it happens, I'm not posting either one of them until Friday afternoon because Blogger.com was down for a couple of days....dammit!  Clever girl that I am, I just wrote them as WORD documents and can now post...)  

Wednesday, May 11th: Traveling to Indiana

I realized during my hysterical hyper-manic episode that happened leading up to and during our recent Cracker Barrel visit, that I circulate so much input in my brain that I can’t contain it all at the same time.  So, I am all the time dumping ‘oldish’ information so that the new info has space.  (And, yes, I am one of those rare individuals that actually uses most of her brain space!!  At least it feels like I do.)  So, it’s a good thing I’m blogging – it’s sort of a ‘holding tank’ for the oozings of my brain.  Great image, eh!

And why is it that when we travel the hyper-manic episodes seem to happen around or during a Cracker Barrel visit??  Does it lead all the way back to the first trip that Peter and I made to Indiana during Josh’s freshman year?  (musical dissolve into back story…..)

It was VERY difficult when we dropped Josh off for the beginning of his freshman year.  He was 1100 miles away from home and didn’t know anyone at Huntington University – all of us (well, except Katie, more of that later) were red-eyed from crying so much.  My heart was breaking when he said, “I don’t think I can do this, mom.”  Oh God!  I’m just going to take him home with us – I can’t do this….. I had a battle going on inside my head/ heart: I just wanted to hold him like I did when he was little and make everything okay, but I also knew that if he would just let himself relax, he would LOVE college and have a great time.  I didn’t want to take this experience away from him , so I said out loud to him: “Josh, I know you can do this.  But just to help, Peter and I will come back up here in October during Fall Break, would  that be okay?  You can make it 6 weeks, right?”  Inside, I’m still screaming as a mom, “Oh, baby boy, I’ll just take you home with us.  You don’t have to stay here!”  Outside, “And we’ll see how it’s going by then and decide about next semester, okay?”  (You know you’d love to be in my head, just for a day….or maybe an hour or two....okay, maybe only a minute or two!)  Well, it took him just two weeks to relax…..but Peter and I drove up in October anyway.  He and Peter spent a week playing video games.  Anyways, on the trip UP (not even on the trip home yet) to visit Josh that time, we got to a Cracker Barrel in Terre Haute – almost to Josh – and stopped for breakfast.  I was so tired; Peter was only 14 that year and so I had to drive all the way.  I was not yet in my current ‘empowered, liberated’ period of life, and so all that driving was stressful to say the least.  And we had, as usual, only stopped for a couple of hours at a rest area.  So, I was tired, emotional, wrung out, anxious to get there, etc. when I fell apart.  Now, I think Peter would describe it a little more graphically but I’d rather not put all those cuss words here!  I began crying, not just soft, sweet tears but huge, giant sobs that shook my body.  At one point, I looked at Peter and saw the look on his face.  At that moment, I did an emotional reverse-engine-slam into laughter.  Remember, he’s 14, and the look on his face said this:  “Oh God, please cause the ground to open beneath me and swallow me as fast as possible.  I don’t care that I’m only 14 and have only lived a short life.  Take me now.  Do you hear me?!?  TAKE ME NOW!!!!  PLEASE GOD!!!!”  (musical dissolve back into present day….)

I’m thinking that I carry such guilt from Peter's ordeal that day that I can’t go to a Cracker Barrel anymore without an explosive emotional reaction….I mean, I carry guilt about so many things, it’s hard to specifically identify the sources sometimes!  And it doesn’t have to be DESERVED guilt – in fact, I’m significantly gifted at carrying self-imposed, NON-REAL guilt.  

My hyper-manic episode this time even required that I run two full laps around the outside edge of the Cracker Barrel parking lot after we had finished eating.  Apparently, (John told me later) my ‘leg jiggling’ was so severe under the table during dinner that it garnered a ‘look see’ from people at a nearby table.  

So, while Peter was driving earlier today, he decided that Soki, my gps – a gift from a generous friend - should sound like a British male professor.  It was fabulous, although she’s still recovering from the gender-confusion.  Especially fun was the fact that she/he pronounced the name of the restaurant not just Cracker Barrel but ‘Cracker Barr-a-leld’.  Say that with a British accent – it’s really quite fun!!

During our quick dinner break at CB, there was a point at which John did try to quiet me some (not that it really worked).  Again, you need a little back story in order to appreciate the episode thoroughly.  Brian Regan is an amazing comedian – really able to take everyday, ordinary life and help you to see just how hilarious it is, and we miss most of it because (I believe) we take ourselves too seriously.  Anyway, he has a routine where he talks about a hearing test that he had to do.  And during the test, his wife was in the booth with the technician.  They were playing words for him to listen to and repeat if he could.  Well, most of the words he couldn’t hear or repeat.  He heard things like “miflesdorginfigerng” or “chickenmuscalletkct”.  There was a point at which he said he thought he heard the words, “chicken musket”, and he swears that his wife and the technician were cracking up.  So, during the course of our dinner at CB, the waitstaff went to the table of another customer to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him.  They sang, “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Jasdemulfane, Happy Birthday to you!”  Obviously, no one singing could remember his name!  I broke into the loudest, high-pitched hysterical laughter because we had just listened to the above described routine in the car.  I couldn’t stop!!  John attempted to calm me (brave man, I know).  He put his hand on my arm and (laughing at me himself) said, “Shhhh, Brenda, you're kind of loud.  Shhhh.   It’s alright.”  It didn’t help, but he tried.  Peter, of course, was 14 all over again!!

It’s been such a great day and due in large part to the great customer service we’ve received at both eating establishments.  Great customer service at CB is not such a rare thing but the real surprise, and therefore treat, was the awesome service at the McDonalds in Marshall, TX where we ate lunch.  Now, we’ve stopped at this particular McD on MANY occasions and NEVER received the service we did today.  We were going back and forth trying to decide drinks, when an employee boldly gave us samples of their frozen strawberry lemonade – delish.  She was so fun and persuasive and personable, we all got one.  And she gave me a large when we paid for mediums because I changed our order in response to her suggestion.  In addition, she overheard us saying that we would need to get water after we left, and gave us waters also.  The food was well prepared (Again, a surprise!  I love McDonalds - even working there for 5 years in high school and college – but most of them today are crap with bad service!).  We finished and made quick stops at the bathroom before leaving the restaurant.  As we prepared to back the car out of the parking spot, the same employee came up to the driver’s window with two cups each with a big shot of espresso for us – for FREE – just to be nice.  She knew we were traveling and wanted to give us something to ‘keep us going’ for the next couple of driving shifts!!!  AMAZING!  You don’t get that kind of service – especially at McD – anywhere these days!!

We’ve also had clever, witty conversation in the car together - with Peter exceptionally on his verbal ‘game’ with perfectly timed one-liners.  For those of you who know him well, he’s an interesting, interested conversationalist but not great at the well-timed comebacks.  Most of the time, he can kill a joke faster than nobody’s business.  Today, however, he has excelled, and he started early this morning before we even left the house!!  I’m not finishing this Thursday night, and his conversational wit has continued through most of this day despite being really tired, really sweaty and really gross from helping not only his sister pack up all her shit but from helping her best friend and roommate also!!  AND, on top of that, he just moved HIMSELF home from Baylor University 2 days ago!!

The price of gas if, of course, exorbitant everywhere!  So, it’s been a challenge on this trip to guess where the best priced station will be.  As we were leaving lunch in Marshall, John saw gas for $3.79/ gallon and whipped the car in realizing that this was the best price we had seen and would probably see.  Just two blocks down the street we passed a station that was charging $3.91/ gallon.  Now, Peter has an irritating/ endearing quality – he calculates everything and anything that can be.  Why?  Because he can!!  In a matter of seconds he pointed out that the difference in the cost of gas between the two stations (if we could get that price at every gas stop – about 5 – along the way) would be enough to buy himself a cup of water and 5 burgers at McDonalds.  Another irritating characteristic (and this one is ONLY irritating), Peter never gets fries; he doesn’t want them.  He does, however, always steal one or two fries from whomever else has ordered them.  And we always yell at him, he laughs, and we never get wise enough to ‘protect’ our fries!!

I’ve been texting a lot of folks on this trip giving updates as to where we are, how much longer we’ll be and what’s going on along the way.  My cousin and I were texting at one point about a recent exciting job offer she just received, great money, great benefits.  However, there is one possible ‘bitchy, fish-handshake’ person she would have to work with.  I wanted to encourage her that if she took the job I knew that she would be able to handle the situation.  So, I thought about the ‘fishy’ reference and said, “I’m sure you’ll be able to sink to the bottom and rise above the situation.”  Her reply, “And I can always be the shark at the top ready to bite and eat her!”  And I had one of those ‘realizations at the moment of speech’ – do you get those?  The words will be coming out of my mouth, and I’ll realize what a great picture/ analogy/ image it is.  Well, this one was that a fish tank is one of the few places where ‘sinking to the bottom’ is actually the same as ‘rising to the top’!  Because only dead fish float on top – the good, strong fish swim near the bottom of the tank!  How cool is that!  It’s doubly cool because ever since I can remember I have: 1) ALWAYS loved to swim, and 2) ALWAYS wanted to be a mermaid.  How awesome to be able to swim and stay under the water all the time.  I love how being under the water cuts out the noise in the world above.  It’s peaceful under the water, and the light from above does amazing things in the refraction of the water (and, yes, smart-alecks, I do know what that means!).

The 'ooze' continues in the next entry.......