Travel Rambles (1st in a series:)

So, in order to record some of my thoughts and experiences during my recent month long trip, I'm going to have to post them in a series of blogs.  A single blog would be so long - almost as long as the trip itself - which, btw, was 5000 miles! (including my recent trip to Baylor Parent's weekend - John went on that one with me.)


Let me begin this series by telling you 'where' I was for the month.  I started in Indiana and spent a week with my daughter moving her into the apartment she's sharing with 3 friends for her senior year of college.  It was an awesome week spent with amazing college women!  (John had to fly back a few days earlier than that for work.  But look how cute he and Katie are!)


Then I moved on to Urbana, IL where I spent the weekend with a friend who recently moved back home after working at the A. D. Players for several years.  She has the most wonderful parents, and they welcomed me into their home.  Deb is one of the most beautiful women, generous, fun women I've had the privilege to know!


I spent my birthday in Chicago having lunch with an old high school friend.  These past few months have seen me reacquainting with several old high school friends - it's been very surreal but really freeing and exciting.  The lakefront in Chicago was beautiful, and I played in the water for a bit!

Next, I traveled across Wisconsin and on to Minnesota for a week with my aunt and her family.  In the process, I got to see several groovy cousins and their kids and my grandpa who has sadly had to move to a senior car facility.  But it's a great place with really wonderful care givers.  And he has a great view of the courtyard from his window.  (However, I wouldn't value his dignity of life if I didn't point out what he said to me and his daughter in frustration....'How would you feel being cooped up in this small space.')  True, how would I feel....





Michelle and I are the oldest granddaughters and the oldest kids of the oldest daughters (twins) of my grandpa!  (Did you get all that?!)  She's older - ha!! - by almost 5 months!

Okay, Lar, had to post this epic picture of you in 'my' glasses.....but they will be yours one day!!  I'm so keeping them for the 17 years until you're 50. :p  The Twin City cousins gave me a fantastically, groovy 50th birthday party!!!










From there it was down to Iowa for what was to be 4 days with my grandmother - it was only 2.  During those two days, though, I did get to see to spend a great afternoon sitting out front on my grandma's lawn with a cousin I haven't gotten to see in a long time.

Our visit was interrupted by the sad, sudden death of my son's father-in-law.  I wrote a blog about the extraordinary graveside service for Sam - so profound and yet so simple.....I spent a week there helping out and holding hands.  It was the least I could do for Josh and Lynette.  An added benefit was that I got to spend another week with my awesome daughter!!  And her roommates!

(Okay, so I don't have a picture with Sarah, the one roommate I don't know very well...sorry, Sarah!)  Oh, and in addition to leaving suddenly from my grandmothers, I had a 'small' accident that had to be fixed while I was in Indiana.....just a few cracks and all the rubber protector under the car ripped out!

The car was fixed on Friday, one week after leaving my grandmother's house.  I got the car  back, Katie taught me how to change the oil, and I left at midnight to return to my grandmother's house to finish our visit!  (A special treat was to see my Grandpa one more time with my favorite aunt!)  And was I ever glad that I did!  Not only did Grandma and I get more time together (and I so value that!) but I got to spend time with other family that just 'happened' to be at Grandma's that weekend.  And then one cousin and I got to spend an extra day and a half just by ourselves baking and cleaning for her.  How special to be able to do some things for my grandmother after all the years of her love and care!!!!


But the trip doesn't end there!!!  I know, you're exhausted right?!!!  Once I left Grandma's, I was headed home but not without stops on the way.  I got a chance to see a couple of other old friends from high school...and to visit my first casino!  Gus and Ernie (and his wife and mom) treated me to a great night, and what was only going to be 3 or 4 hours turned out to be 6!  How do you catch up on 32 years in one night?!!

I made it home at midnight the next night after picking up John in Little Rock instead of Houston - took us a minute to realize that I'd be driving right through Little Rock - should I wave as I drove through town?  Duh!  I should pick him up there instead of driving all the way to Houston by myself and picking him up there....


What can I say?  It was a LONG trip! :D

Spiritual Superficiality

I would have told you in the recent past that I have been a 'believer' since I was eight.....


So, what does it mean that I feel no drawing of the Spirit now?  Christians have said in front of me, the Holy Spirit woos us, draws us.  It's His Spirit that leads us to Christ.  I feel no such leading, no drawing, no wooing....nothing.  I don't miss what I've put on hold - what I spent my whole life saying I believed.  Granted, I believed it as a works thing, as an outward show - nothing deep in my heart.


Maybe I have to cut away.......throw away so much more before I get to my real heart?  Are there still so many callouses covering my heart from all those fake years??


I never want to be fake again.  I'd rather be NOTHING than fake!!


I don't miss church, devotions, the 'word' --- I hesitate to say more only because of some 'voice' in my head that warns me not to piss off God.  He's got a big bat - or a car wreck waiting - or an illness or some other trouble waiting for disobedient children....or so I was always led to believe.


Sam believed all this....how can I not.  Don't know....I feel weird because I don't - but I won't fake it.  I WILL NOT!!!


Do I have to be seeking to be drawn by the Holy Spirit??  That seems to be backwards of how it should work.  So, if I didn't pursue God, will He not pursue me?  Is it all about me?  How does that jive with the fact that "I don't love Him, He first loved me??"  Is it all about me??


What if I CAN'T seek Him?  What if I'm drowning?  (I have been a few times in my life, and in most of those instances the 'christians' in my life abandoned me supposedly so that they wouldn't be 'contaminated'.)  Hmmmm?  A drowning woman cannot save herself.  My misinformation completely clouded being able to see.


We obey God because we know and love -- BUT the LOVE for God has to be the first thing!!!  Right?  It has to be absolutely authentic first based on knowledge that creates trust!!  I don't love if I don't trust....You CANNOT put on obedience - cannot put on obedience (yes, I wrote that twice!) - at all until there is real love.  The obedience must come out of overwhelming love for God.  How do I get that??  That's it!  I've loved God because someone told me (no, forced me through coercion and scare tactics) that I should be grateful for the cross, and therefore, love God.


I've never made any - NONE - I've never made any discovery about God in a genuine moment.  I don't know what it means to love God.  I feel no gratefulness for the cross....


Wha's that mean?? (*side note: think TWISTER for the accent)


I've never felt the 'so called' pursuit of Christ.  I've had to 'pursue righteousness', to live right, to do right instead.  Does God still pursue me?  Is it never-ending like the song I heard?  I don't know what it 'feels' like.  I have no frame of reference.  I was taught/ shown that God's pursuit of me was evidenced through my obedience of the rules.  Will I know if He is pursuing me?  Does it 'feel' like anything?  Is it in my head?


And if I have loss, do I see the sovereignty of God through that loss by just deciding to?  Or will I feel something?  Why do I decide?  Do I 'feel' something?  Is my intellect challenged?  Why/ how am I drawn?  I don't feel anything.....am I 'seared' or empty or refusing to be open?  (FYI - 'seared' is christian terminology for having a hardened spirit concerning some issue)  And yet, if I'm looking - and I think I am - well, maybe I'm not.  It's all been so fake and forced on me by others and myself.  I don't know genuine emotion connected to my relationship with God!


Maybe I am refusing - I'm afraid that if I 'give in' everything is just going to be the same as it's always been.  I can't go back to that!  I can't live my life like that anymore!  I'd rather not have God than to have 'that' God!

Embrace the Awkwardness....

Funerals are awkward.  It's true.  However, as I was a part of Sam Miller's today, I was struck by how beautiful and simple and utterly significant they can also be.  (Sam Miller was my oldest son, Josh's, father-in-law and my beautiful daughter-in-law's, Lynette, father.)

You know, it was an interesting sound - the sound of dirt hitting the top of the vault that covered Sam's coffin.  I have never witnessed an coffin actually being lowered into the ground - no one attending a funeral ever usually does - even the family.  That's the business of the cemetery staff AFTER everyone has paid their respects and left. Today, however, I was a part of one of the most incredible graveside services I've ever attended.  The family and friends of Sam Miller not only stayed as the coffin was lowered into the prepared vault and the top lowered on but then took up shovels to 'literally' cover him in the grave.  It was a final courageous act by those who loved him to see Sam all the way 'into death' and then to step back out themselves into life again.

The transformation of this service from any other service like it began after the pastor's words at the graveside and after the singing of an old hymn....it began with a few instructions.  Would everyone please step away from the grave to allow the cemetery staff to make some adjustments?  The coffin was lowered into the vault that had been poured into the ground - I imagine the staff hasn't had much of an 'audience' for this part very often.  The covering tent was dismantled; the backhoe moved in with the cover for the vault which was lowered and set into place.  All the while a single violin played a simple, sweet version of Amazing Grace in the background.  (I think there were other hymns but that's the one I heard over and over...)

It seemed for a moment that the head of the staff was going to 'ruin' the whole moment by instructing the driver of the backhoe to dump the load of dirt in the shovel.  But then someone spoke up, the driver lowered the shovel and the pastor invited any who wanted to to pick up a shovel and 'cover' Sam with some dirt.  It was deeply profound to watch as first his immediate family picked up shovels and then other family members moved in to 'take their turn'.  By this time, people were respectfully waiting in line to 'say goodbye'.  And once the dirt from the backhoe shovel was used, Sam's 'sons' moved to the pile of dirt made up mostly of clods.

It was an incredible feeling to watch my son with determination set in his expression and fresh tears on his face take up a shovel and stand among the other sons covering his father-in-law in a last act of respect and love.  It was one of those moments that will affect me forever.  I never realized how much closure there could be at a funeral until today.  Oh, there will be times when we, the family and friends, think of Sam.....and then remember he's gone, and there will be fresh sadness with that realization.  But the sense that we could/ should have done something more was answered today in a simple step of courage and love and a willingness to 'embrace the awkwardness'.  (Thanks, Keith, for the permission to do so...)

Before I go......don't ya' know!

Going off the grid….(great line from Armageddon), and not only is it a great line from Armageddon, it’s going to be my ‘status’ for the next 3 days. Going to grandma’s house means no computer, no wifi, and no internet!  Not sure if I can make it that long.  Actually, it will probably feel good to not ‘have to’ use technology for a few days:)

Oh, don't ya' know......greatest birthday party in years - and I'm 50! (Just in case there's one or two reading this who didn't get that clue from the glasses I'm wearing:)  The glasses are actually silver but turned out black with silver rims - accidental coolnes strikes again!  My cousin's kids, Meg and Nate (and mom Jenni, I'm sure), decorated the house and porch, made cake and got me groovy adornments to wear for a special week later 50th party!  There was excellent margaritas (lots of salt), jumping on the trampoline, chips and salsa (always a good choice), dip from el Loro (yes, Mexican food in MN!), jumpin on the trampoline, fajitas, presents (more about those in minute), birthday cake (carrot cake with DOUBLE cream cheese frosting) and a bonfire with marshmallows and iron pies (and if you don't know what those are.....oooh, sorry, can't tell you - have to kill you if I did!)

There were also some lame cracks about my age from my cousin's husbands - I'm beat them up!

I love the idea of presents - don't get me wrong, I LOVE the actual presents too:)  But I love just the idea of presents: people specifically choosing something specific for you just to make you specifically happy!  Get the specific point?!!  And I got great ones - in fact, everything that's on my 'favorite list': 1) a B&N gift card - since I work there I get a big discount so I can get even more there! 2) dark chocolate truffles, Ghirardelli dark chocolate bar, and a great tall shot glass. 3) a basket full of office supplies!

*And, yes, emphatically yes, office supplies are an aphrodisiac!!  (wonder about that one for a while....)

Discovered something very interesting about my cousin's husband Larry: he hates it when someone licks the cake he's about to have a piece of....wtf??  It's especially 'grossing' to him if it's carrot cake.  It was my cake.  I had a right to lick it as I brought it out to the bonfire if I wanted to!  He was further grossed out when I licked the piece of cake that I was passing to him - except that it was my piece not his!  So, great to see him cringe!

Don't feel sorry for him - he made several rude cracks about my age.  'Oh Brenda, I can wear those glasses when I celebrate my 50th birthday................in 17 years!"  (hahahaha)  'We recently celebrated my parent's 50th birthdays!'  (so funny!)  etc, etc, etc.  His arm was still sore today when I was obligated to punch him again for his continued 'age rudeness'.

Why do we eat so much when we get together with friends or family or go out of town or sit and watch tv?  It's like the amount of food consumption is our meter for the total success of the get together.  If that's really the case, then this weekend was SUPERB!!!  Because I have eaten WAY too much over the course of the past 4 days! (Jan, I ate the ice cream at 11pm:)  Sunday alone, I had a huge, yummy brunch and then the groovy birthday party with fajitas, etc.  

As if brunch and a party weren't enough, my 'random' cousin from the previous blog, Michelle, my aunt and I went to Goodwill and then Target.  Did I need to go to Goodwill?  Did I have anything in mind other than browsing? Did I spend $17 on odd (as in 'various' not ' weird'), groovy glassware?  In my defense, I will eventually (maybe sooner) have a new, very long bookcase to fill up with knick knacks, pictures and a few books - and I have specific displays in mind with most of these pieces.  Also, I have a couple of gift recipients in mind....ooooh, you're all 'a quiver' now, I know, wondering if you're one of those.

And....well....Target is a 'no brainer'!  4 cards later I walked out with Michelle - but really great cards.  You could be on the list for one of those also:)

Saw the best movie I've seen in months - okay, well, the best motivational, based on a true story movie.  I love lots of genres of movies - can't lump them all together.  Movie title: 'The Help'.  Quite cleansing....song at the beginning of the credits - worth the whole movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwI4zsNteU8&ob=av2e

Be sure to google the lyrics when you listen and know (if you don't know me or haven't seen me in a while) that most of it speaks directly to where I am right now.  Speaking/ living from truth sets you free!  


May not be back for a few days......miss you :>

And I'm NOT tired, why?

A tale of wineries, greasy spoons, memorials, obnoxiously large lawn chairs and fire pits....don't you love diversity!  Actually, I know you're probably thinking: "God, this will be one fucking long blog!"  Maybe....maybe not!

Of course, technology won't let me post the picture of me at the winery...wtf!!!  Must be the spirit of that fundamental acquaintance blocking the image....No matter - it was fabulous!  The staff was wonderfully friendly and knowledgeable - telling us specifics about each wine before we tried it.  Several of the wines are named after the family grandmothers.  Loved several of the whites and house specials - especially the Winter Ice.  Had to get a bottle to take home!  Tried an amazing Port, Bootlegger's Red, - never had that before - the staff said was especially good over ice cream or cheesecake......of course, we bought cheesecake going back to aunt and uncle's house!!    Really groovy bottle - Pirate Rum'ish' looking:)  Didn't get to try it tonight - definitely tomorrow between brunch and birthday party!


.....Oh yeah, did I mention the fam up here is throwing me a GIANT 50th birthday party complete with a yard sign, door decorations and presents!  Awwww, they love me!  I'm so excited!


So, back to today....we decided that after having 20 different types of wine, we should probably have some lunch first then visit the I35 memorial instead of the other way around.  Lunch was at Matt's, a local famous Minneapolis dive - and I mean a dive!!!!  But, damn, can they make a cheese stuffed burger!  Had to wash my dress when I got home - got christened with burger juice and cheese!  Good thing the lighting was dark....don't know if I could have eaten if I could have actually seen all the grease in the place:)

Once we'd experienced Matt's, we headed over to the I 35 Memorial - which, btw, neither my aunt nor my uncle knew how to get to!  Great!  We're driving all over the city with people who figure 'it should be easy to find....it's a memorial!'  Famous last words.  When I suggested that I could find it with 'Soki', my aunt remembered that they also have a gps and maybe it would help them.  No such luck - theirs is a TomTom, mine a Garner.  Theirs hasn't been updated for at least a year - mine was updated just 5 days ago!  Anyway, once we had pulled over to figure it out, I (again to the rescue:) volunteered to get out and ask someone at a little coffee shop we were parked beside.  My cousin volunteered to get out and smoke!  (love you 'chelle!)  Got great directions from a local 'Minneapolisian' and found the memorial.


Very cool memorial!  13 pillars enscribed with the names of those who died.  The families of those who died wrote bios/ quotes/ verses of scripture/ etc. on the pillars memorializing their loved ones.  Interesting bit of trivia we learned when a tour group on seque's rode by: the memorial is 81 feet long because the bridge collapse happened on August 1st (8/1).  Pretty cool that someone thought of that!  I have a cousin who was on the bridge that day (he did not die) so his name is on the wall.  The wall includes all the names of those who were injured on the bridge that day - 145 people.

One of the inscriptions especially caught my attention with it's simplicity.  I LOVE the last phrase: 'Thanks for the ride.'  I think I'd like something similar on my headstone (please note this family:}): 'Thanks for the adventure!'  (Of course, that's assuming it was a good adventure for them!  Although, I'd think I'd like it even if it was meant sarcastically ....maybe even BECAUSE it was sarcastic!:)

From there, the adventure today just continued....with a stop at a local store to purchase a fire pit for the backyard....and a local grocery store to get some additional goodies for the evening and for our brunch tomorrow.  And once again, I came face-to-face on this trip with something that should have originated in Texas: one big-ass lawn chair!  It has 6 cup holders!  Really!  And room for one...big....ass!  It was on sale....that will DEFINITELY fit in the back seat of my car. (No, I did not actually buy it, John!)

And what a perfect ending to this great day - with a bonfire in the new pit, my aunt and uncle, all of their family (daughters, husbands, kids - except Meg:), and a 'random' cousin:] sitting around laughing and talking - just hanging out.  Snacks, alcohol, a fire, family and fun - totally groovy night!

And tomorrow......brunch, more random cousins, hopefully, and a big party - just for me!  HooWah!!  (Al Pacino does it better than me!)

I was 'suddenly' nervous....

It was the best visit to a nursing I’ve ever experienced!

I have only two living grandparents: my grandfather on my mother’s side and my grandmother on my father’s side.  Both are wonderful people!  My grandmother is one of the most nurturing people I’ve ever known – aside from my mother-in-law.  When I was growing up, she always had miniature bake ware so that we grandkids could bake a ‘small’ version of whatever she was baking: small loaves of bread, small pies, etc.  It was so much fun!  She also kept a large desk in her kitchen with all her old envelopes and cards so that we could play school or office.  She also had a large sunroom/ playroom with lots of dolls and toys and clothes for us to play dress up.  The memories of visits to her home are some of the most wonderful I can remember.

My grandpa was always so much fun!  We had great times of play and large family meals and big Christmas celebrations!  He used to drive a milk truck, and we got to ride along with him on his daily route many times.  I remember the HUGE (at least it always seemed huge to me) bag of mini tootsie rolls that we handed out to the children on each farm that grandpa collected milk from – it made me feel so special!  And he always told the greatest stories on the milk route – like the one about the popcorn field.  He said that the weather was so hot one summer that all the corn on the ears popped and caused all the cows to freeze to death!  They thought it was snow! :)

Recently my grandpa had to move to a senior care facility – hard for him because he’s always been so independent and self-sufficient….hard for the family because he’s always been such a strong personality in the family. And today I visited him.  I was nervous ‘all of a sudden’ as we drove up to the facility in my aunt’s van.  I hadn’t been, but then I was.  I’ve heard various things about how Grandpa was doing since his new life there.

He was resting when we arrived.  But he perked up when we arrived and we spent a couple hours in wonderful conversation along with enjoying Dairy Queen Blizzards!  Mine was a Heath Bar Blizzard – quite yummy.  Grandpa had the same!  

I relaxed and so enjoyed our time with him!  And we met some lovely friends of Grandpa’s.  By the time we had to leave, I was anticipating the thought of seeing him again!  I also got to use my 'groovy' mini tripod to take some fun pictures of all of us!  

Grandpa thought he'd be funny and try to cover my eyes in the picture.  And I thought he had....until I checked the picture!  Just caught us all having a GREAT time!

Such a great time with my cousin's kids there too!  Excellent look Nate!  Meg sweetie, you are beautiful!  LOVE hanging out with them!  Jan's not too bad either:)

Tomorrow is ‘Wine Tasting Saturday’ – my first visit ever to a winery!  Let the tasting begin!

Thoughts from Minnesota....

Why the hell do migraines hurt so much!!  (Don't you love that that's my first thought from Minnesota? :)  And don't give me the medical, technical description!  I want to know what the hell is with all that blinding, insistent pain that will not be relieved by anything!  At least not my migraines....seriously....nothing relieves them.  And I had one last week on Friday and Saturday, and then again yesterday (Wednesday).  Since nothing works to get rid of them, and because I've been brainwashed into believing that it's bad to take care of yourself, I don't usually ever lay down and relax when I have them.  So, it was amazing restful, helpful, and encouraging when I knew that it would be alright for me to 'bail' on my uncle and cousin's kids yesterday after a morning of S. St. Paul sightseeing in order to just lay down and rest my head ----


Whoa now!  Don't get crazy!  Don't think that I slept.....just got to close my eyes and let things go for a few hours knowing my aunt and uncle were actually concerned that my headache was so bad.  Don't know if this works for everyone but when I have a migraine it's most helpful to focus in on the throbbing instead of trying to 'get away from it'.  Maybe because I'm just relaxing under it instead of trying to shove it down and overpower it!!  


So, here's how the day went.....


Woke up: "GOD!  What is that???  OMG!  It's a headache - nauseous even laying down, not a good sign.  Going to take some drugs and lay here for a while, see if it goes away."  A half hour or so...still there.  Since I already knew that we (uncle and I) were going to do some sightseeing with my cousin's kids, had to get up. Told my uncle I felt like crap, got very dizzy when I climbed the stairs to shower.  Felt a 'skosh' better after showering - but not for long.  Picked up the kids and went to an airplane museum - despite headache, very cool place. 

You could burn your 'frozen assets' trying to warm them up this way!! :)

Was able to carry on some semblance of conversation while there.  Got to ride in a very cool jeep - think it was from WW1.  It added to the whole 'M*A*S*H' feel for this trip.  (wondering how I manage a smile with a migraine??  I told you I have very strong training to 'stuff down' and 'suppress' how I really feel!)

Then, we headed to my aunt's work to have lunch.  From there we were headed out to a cemetery (a very cool cemetery from what I'm told), when my uncle looked over at me (I saw this not felt it) and said, "Would you rather go home?"  Oh yes, thank you!  I'm so sorry to not be able to finish the afternoon but I'm at the point of barfing, and really, who enjoys that secondhand???


Rested until later in the afternoon when my aunt got home.  Decided to go visit with them since (again) the headache wasn't going to go away, what was the point of lying in bed?? Besides I was determined that not even a migraine was going to keep me away from my pedicure!  Gorgeous, bright pink toes - and the massage chair did feel great!!

Not sure why it is I have only gotten pedicures in the last 5 months in Minnesota??  I guess it's not as fun without my family!  Love this pink color!


Finally, my headache was beginning to subside a bit.  (They usually get better in the evening??  Okay, if you know the reason for that one, let me know:)  So, decided to join my aunt and uncle at another of my cousin's son's soccer games.  Then, as a relaxing conclusion to our evening, we decided that a glass of wine would be nice.  So, of course, a stop at a local 'adult beverage' establishment was in order!  That's when I made the fabulous discovery that they, indeed, have Shiner in Minnesota.  


It seems that the past two days have had a small subplot amidst the various other plots running: 'naked'.  Why?  Well, the label on the wine that I bought was: The Naked Grape - and a lovely moscato it is!  Then today, I took my uncle out to a Jimmy John's sub sandwich shop, and they had a fabulous sign right by the register:  "We'd love to see you NAKED but state code requires shoes & shirt!"  Love it!


Rounded out the evening watching "Scent of a Woman" - great movie with Al Pacino and a very young Chris O'Donnell - accompanied by a bottled Mudslide (over the rocks) and then a Shiner 102 as I checked fb later that evening.  And at that point, my migraine was basically gone.


A really great ending to a day that I thought was going to be a disaster.  Which really sucked at the time - I hate being ill on vacation!


Today had so many bright spots - two of the best?  Visiting my cousin's daughter's junior high so she could have her calculator etched with her name.  What the heck do they need $95 TI calculators in junior high for??  That was her question...mine too, Meg!!! :)  And having dinner with an adorable - and I mean adorable - 2 year old and 4 year old.  Excellent dinner entertainment.  Another great old movie (that I've never seen): The Big Chill - so many great actors so very young.....


Headed for a great labor day weekend!