I'm Not Alone.....

So many things have been so strange about this summer.  Two things have made me stop and reflect and be thankful for what I have in the midst of uncertainty and pain and fear.

I had my first real panic attack the first night I was in the hospital - real panic attack.  Up to this point I have had high anxiety - crazy high anxiety attacks, extreme hormonal paranoid moments - don't we all at some point in our lives?  But on the first night at the hospital, before the doctors were able to set and regulate my pain level with the needed amount of pain killer, I had my first (and so far only) actual, physical panic attack.

The doctors discovered after 2 1/2 doses or Morphene in my 5 hour stay in emergency, that I needed something a little more 'potent' for pain.  They switched to Dilaudid. I was in extreme pain by that first night - of course, my appendix had burst or was bursting - and by 10pm I was shaking violently going back and forth between sweating and chills.  It was then that my nurse (Scott - really great) announced that he wasn't going to be able to give me any more pain meds for an hour!  An hour!  I was NOT going to be able to make it another hour.  He apologized and said that he would contact the doctor.

He left the room, and almost immediately I felt like someone had stepped on my windpipe.  I could not breathe - I sat up and ordered John to call Scott back.

John:  Hey, Scott, Brenda said that she doesn't -----
Brenda:  I CAN'T BREATHE!!  I CAN'T BREATHE!!

In that moment, I thought I was going to suffocate.  I was sweating and gasping....Scott came back immediately and asked if I'd ever had a panic attack.  I said no, and he started coaching me to breathe more deeply and try to relax.  I knew that I had to try and do what he said.  During all of this - oh, probably 10 - 15 minutes which felt like a lifetime -  he was able to get a hold of the doctor and they changed my pain meds to every 3 hours.  In addition, he gave me a dose of phenergan (anti-nausea) and 10mg of Ambien.

Did it work? John said that I fell asleep mid-sentence so quickly, he stayed up for several hours checking to be sure that I was breathing.


And I'm pretty sure that that frightening experience (still very vivid in my mind) added to my realization that no matter how sick I was, how much pain I was in, and how crazy weird it was that my appendix burst - at least I was never alone....


I began the last few days that I was in the hospital walking laps on my floor every night - you know, that they always want you to get up and walk around, do things for yourself before you go home, have a healthy bowel movement (well, they do!).  One night I saw a small, frail looking woman in her room alone eating her dinner.  I wondered if she had anyone who came to see her.  Then later when I was walking laps with John, we passed her in the hall.  She was also walking laps......alone.  She looked so frail, I was surprised that she could hold herself up - she did have her IV pole for suppport.  I smiled at her as we passed; she had dark circles under her eyes, her dark, dull hair pulled back into a pony tail making her face even more gaunt and thin looking - she did not return my smile.


She has been in my thoughts since then...A tall, black gentleman has also been in my thoughts since the day I left the hospital.

My discharge from the hospital was hurried - I had to get to a doctor's office to get my IV meds before they closed at 5pm.  I could not leave and come back, they could not come to the office, so I had to sign papers and leave within 45 minutes of thinking that I was actually going to stay for another night....I didn't even have street clothes with me.  I had to wear two hospitals gowns - one backwards so that I didn't feel quite so naked.


A tech wheeled me out the front door where Peter was pulling up with the Expedition.  He couldn't pull up immediately because there was a taxi in front of him, and he wasn't sure if he should go around it......John motioned for him to pull around and up to me so that we could get to the doctor's office.  I glanced in the direction of the taxi and realized that there with a nurse was a tall black man alone getting into the taxi.  In that moment I realized that no matter how terrible I felt - that I wasn't alone.  I felt such sorrow for this man and so many like him who go through the 'mess' of life alone......for whatever reason - it doesn't matter....what matters is that they're alone.


And surely I can do something about that.......

More Hospital Thoughts.....

One of my most interesting experiences during my hospital stay was the nursing staff - it's amazing (although I guess it shouldn't be) how many different ways there are to do the same tasks.....and how some of my most immediate initial perceptions of some of my nurses were so wrong.  (the hospital staff: nurses, doctors, techs, housekeeping and the cafeteria were really wonderful!!!)

I was at the hospital for 28 nursing shifts - 3 nurses during those shifts I had multiple times.  In addition, there was a charge nurse for each of those shifts.  With only 1 horrible, miserable exception, these people were fabulous!!  A few of them surprising and changing my initial reaction to them......creating a great sense of calm in me because of the confidence they engendered!

"Ditzy, cheerleader nurse" - Maggie (Margaurite), blonde hair, polished makeup, really beautiful diamond ring and bracelets, actually turned out to be the mother of 5 - 24, 22, 18, 4 and 2.  All of whom she smilingly informed me were hers and her one husband!!  Instead of injecting my meds into the IV port closest to my arm which every time seemed to momentarily shock my system, she injected them further up the IV line allowing them to dilute some before entering my system. (Clever - who would have thought of that!)

"Asian man who called me Miss Brenda" - Gleeson, short, very polite asian gentleman whom I thought would be cold and unresponsive, actually ended up being my favorite nurse.  He was quick, efficient, thorough and passionately loyal to his patients - at least that's how he came across to me every time he was there!  He was the charge nurse for the shift that I had to get Potassium straight into my arm.  I had a severe reaction to it causing my right arm to swell up and bruise a lot.  My nurse that day was Jackie (really groovy woman with a beautiful smile), and she and Gleeson immediately contacted the doctor to get permission for me to take the Potassium in tablets.

"Short Indian woman, thick accent" - Miss Abraham, her accent was very thick and I feared that there would be lots of miscommunication that day and that she would be very impersonal.  IRL :) - she was very, very compassionate, mothering, exceptionally professional with a great sense of humor.  She was also the charge nurse for 2 of those 28 shifts and my day nurse for 2.  She was the charge nurse that I told about my one terrible nursing shift experience.  She and my nurse that day knew immediately who I was talking about and assured me that he would never be one of my nurses - and they were right!

I hate that I can't remember some of the nurses that I had in those first few days because I was so sick and 'out of it' most of the time.  And, btw, if you haven't had blood taken very often, you'd be amazed at how much skill is involved in finding a vein and drawing a little blood - I was so glad that most of the lab staff at the hospital was very skilled!

Also, do you think all phlebotomists are vampires?? Otherwise, why do they have to come so damn early to take your blood!!!

Poop, Pus and Pudding! (you know I had to :)

This Friday will mark 5 weeks since my release from what is my current most surreal experience - burst appendix that caused a 2 weeks hospital stay.  It's one of those illnesses/ topics that are occasionally discussed but most of us never, ever, ever think will happen to us.

And, of course, as with most things these days, some thoughts occurred to me.......just to set the right mood, I thought I'd start with the grossest - I mean, really, it can only go up from there, right?

Do you realize that what most of us consider juvenile, impolite topics for conversation, (poop, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting and peeing) are actually some of the favorite for discussion between patients and their doctors?  In fact, the topics border on obsessive and are involved in almost every procedure for which a person can be admitted to the hospital.  So, I'm thinking, if more of us were talking about it in the open maybe less of us would be having issues with it in private!!

As noted in my previous blog, my appendix is slightly out of normal placement.  Because of this my doctors were stumped for the first four days of my hospital stay.  The doctor who will be my appendectomy surgeon came into my room every day for those first 4 days shaking his head apologizing because no one could figure out what was wrong with me. Day 5 the doctors decided to do a 2nd cat scan - this one revealed bubbles - and they diagnosed Perforated Diverticulitis.  Diverticulitis is a condition where there are little pockets of pus on the inside of your colon wall - and is a common condition especially among Americans. Perforated Diverticulitis happens when one or more of those pus pockets gets something hung up on it and bursts open leaking pus and infection into your abdomen. Not a very attractive condition, eh?

My doctors began talking about immediate surgery while trying to get my white blood cell count to lower.  However, over the weekend the 'sub' for my surgeon suggested that instead of surgery, I could have drain tubes inserted into my abdomen to drain away the pus and infection pockets that they could see - 3 of them. This might actually cure me and I could avoid surgery.  What did I think? O-o-okay....

So, I was scheduled for a very early in the morning 3rd cat scan so that the Radiologist would know exactly where to put the drains.  My surgeon came in after that to describe the drain procedure and then left telling me he would be back later in the day to check on me.  He was actually back within 15 minutes - I explained to him that I had not had time to have the drain procedure yet :) - with a confounded look telling me that while I was still having the procedure, it was now to drain abscesses that had occurred as a result of my appendix rupturing not PD.  The Radiologist upon a closer inspection and after calling in a second Radiologist realized that something he had seen in/ on my appendix in the the first cat scan was not there now in this 3rd cat scan.  The conclusion - a hole (rupture) had developed and released it.  Voila!  Ruptured appendix!

It must be noted that I am always amazed at the ordinary things in our world (cheese squares, headphones, 'Indiana' brand popcorn, straws at fast food restaurants, DVD's, etc.) that are packaged in high security packaging - you know, packaging that usually requires scissors or a screw driver or very big knife.  (I'm not kidding about the popcorn by the way.  Buy a bag of INDIANA POPCORN brand popcorn and just try opening it in your car on the way back home.  Go ahead, I dare you!)  So, it was satisfying at the hospital to FINALLY see items packaged in high security packaging that actually need it: medicines, IV solutions, needles, sterilizing supplies, etc.

One final thought - the yummiest one - and strangely enough, related to the first thought of this blog: chocolate pudding is considered a soft, intermediate food in the hospital.  And sweet iced tea is a clear beverage.  That means that even if you're on a clear liquids only diet - you can have sweet tea!  And, when the doctors are progressively re-introducing solid food back into your diet, you get pudding - chocolate pudding!! 

In addition, if you're very nice to your hospital food staff, you can get extra glasses of said sweet tea.....'never be rude to the people who serve your food'!!

Totally Cool Happenstance!

It’s been a funky year (surreal summer for sure – more on that later) – and I’ve had to restart my blog on a couple of occasions.....I just seem have lose steam.  However, I so enjoy writing, that I’ve got to ‘restart’ again.  And despite the fact that I do write with an audience in mind, I will continue to write whether a real audience exists or not. J  Which is how it should be anyway, right?

Recently, my appendix burst, and I had an unexpected 14 day hospital visit…now, you need to know that I still have my appendix as of right now.  And that because my appendix is slightly out of placement compared to the average human, it took the doctors 10 days and 3 cat scans to get a correct diagnosis.  I will be having surgery in a few weeks to remove it once my body has had a chance to heal from the serious infections that I had as a result of not knowing what I had.  (lots of ‘had’ in thereJ)

I’ll let you know right up front that the background to the story of this blog will take longer than the story itself!!  But those of you who know me will understand……

I was admitted on a Friday and released two weeks later.  That first Friday and Saturday, I could only have sips of water.  My white blood cell was high, but started to come down.  So, on Sunday and Monday, I was allowed to have soft foods.  My white blood cell count went back up.  Therefore, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I was back to only sips of water.  My white blood cell count came down again and stayed down.  So, I was allowed soft foods again.  The wbc count stayed down, I was ‘fitted’ with two drains and it was decided that I could begin to have ‘real’ food – something more than cream of wheat and bouillon cubes dissolved in water.  (I recall one bouillon cube meal when I could have sworn that they forgot the cube!)

And here’s the exciting point of the whole story: my first real food meal in the hospital………da da da dah………Meatloaf and Scalloped Potatoes!  Disappointed?  Well, you shouldn’t be!  My favorite meal, the one I have always requested for my birthday (even as a child), the one I fix for myself on my birthday and had to make my children eat when they were growing up (despite the fact that they hate it), the one that a few years ago I found a great variation for is none other than Meatloaf and Scalloped Potatoes!!!