In the Moment....Is it Possible?

So, I've been pondering the phrase 'being in the moment'.  I most often associate it with acting.  A good actor is said to be 'in the moment' of the scene - he or she is so believable as the character because they are fully immersed in every aspect of the character in that exact moment in the play.

I've recently come to apply the phrase to my actual real life.....and I've discovered that there are large portions of my life in which I have not been 'in the moment'.  So, where have I been you ask?......Well, I've been...........

'In the past': much of my life has been lived in the past thinking and rethinking, regretting, explaining, defending everything I've ever done.  When you live with the guilt that every choice you make could completely screw up God's will for the universe, when you're told (most of the time it's a forceful suggestion, that way the person doing the 'telling' doesn't sound like they're telling) that in order to be 'Godly' you have to 'perform' daily, when you can't live in the day to day of your life because it's too frightening - you have to live in the past to figure out how to make yourself acceptable, forgiven and brave.

And, I've been.........

'In the future': the rest of my life (except for a small portion) has been lived in the future trying to predict the outcome of every situation in which I am or could be involved - trying to make sure that even if I'm making bad choices I can cover them up or explain them away.  In addition, I was trying to figure things to do to be a 'good, Godly woman' who obeyed all the rules.

I've decided that I want to try very hard from this point on to live 'in the moments' of my life.  (except for those times when all of us have to consider past or future issues - much smaller group of issues than I have previously believed:)  I got some good advice from a Catholic nun recently. She said, "You don't have to do everything, Brenda.  You just have to do the NEXT thing.  Give yourself permission to grow into my new name."  Which is, I believe, part of the definition of living 'in the moment'.

It's so wonderful!!  I have time to 'wonder and wander'.  There's no rush when you're living in the current moments of your life.  There's no pressure that you didn't do well or enough in the past nor pressure that you'll probably screw up in the future.

So, 'for the moment' :), screw the past and future - just enjoy the amazing, rich moment that you are in right now!!  It is possible and makes life so much more worth living!

Sister Mary :)

I had my first ever spiritual direction visit with a Catholic nun today!  It was really enlightening, encouraging and just plain cool.  Despite having never met me before and only having a short bit of ‘emotional vomit’ from me, she was able to give me some insight/ some direction in which to pursue my current journey. 

Who knew this woman who was raised 'hard-core, fundamental baptist, we're the only ones right, and I need to correct everyone that doesn't believe the same as me' could get valuable advice from a nun!!  (I speak sarcastically, of course!:)

I think the most significant thing she said to me today was to ‘cut myself some slack, give myself some time,’  She said that because I have lived so long under false pictures of who God is and what He wants from me – it’s going to take a while to be able to live into real truth.  I’ve been in my current phase of God questions and discovery for a little under two years now.  It was great to have someone affirm that taking time to walk through all aspects of my questions about God is okay.

I explained to her that I haven’t been praying or singing any kind of spiritual song because I feel like a hypocrite when I do.  I’m not making any kind of choices that a ‘normal Christian’ (according to those teachings from my past) would so I don’t feel like I’m allowed to do those other things.  She encouraged me to know that I’m not a hypocrite – that any new set of disciplines needs practice.  So, she encouraged me to give myself permission to ‘practice’ God: singing (I love to sing), praying (no genie in the bottle syndrome) and reading about God and the Bible.

I cried real tears today in her office – not a lot – just a few.  I felt like the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes and he was overwhelmed with the emotion of that - like somewhere there was something small melting off of something in my heart giving me permission to be vulnerable.

Why No Wi-fi?

So, I’m at a retreat this weekend (9/28 - 9/30).  Despite the fact that John and I have just barely begun to go back to church after a year and 8 months out – and I am on a Christian women’s retreat.  I’m here because my therapist invited me/ suggested that this could be very helpful at this point in my journey…..I’m not sure I’m really ready for the whole ‘sharing’ atmosphere but I trust her input – so here I am.

My topic of discussion for today is related to not just this retreat but to the hundreds of retreats/ camps/ ‘spiritual getaways’ that I’ve been a part of for the past 40 years. 

Here’s my question: Why is it so important to not have access to wi-fi when you’re on a retreat – especially these days??

“You need to disconnect in order to really get anything out of the retreat.”  I know that in the past I’ve said this to hundreds of people, it’s been said to me and is probably the reason why this retreat center has no wi-fi.

I’ve just come to realize that I believe that’s the dumbest philosophy ever!!  Especially in today’s ‘connected’ world.  So, what - God can’t speak if I’m connected to wi-fi??  I can’t make any life-altering choices or decisions if I can access the internet??  I’ll never be able to really hear my own thoughts if I’m checking on the status of a friend??

All lies!!  I, in fact, have a lot of my greatest epiphanys in the midst of noise and clutter and wi-fi ‘connectedness’! I almost always have music in the background whether I’m online or not.  I’m very rarely in the midst of total silence.  In my case, my brain is the noisiest when I’m in silence. (I’m sure someone out there has some kind of philosophical or pharisaically judgmental statement to make about that!)

And, really, in today’s world, you will get better focus from people if you give them opportunity to stay connected.  In fact, I wanted to look up a Bible verse tonight but because I don’t have all my books here with me and because I can’t connect to the internet, I can’t look it up.  (And, at the moment, I can’t find a Bible with a concordance)  It’s distracting (:*p) and frustrating.  I think this was actually one of the reasons why I was so hesitant to come on this retreat. (I’m sure someone else out there will have more pharisaical things to say about that thought!)

You know, people who are going to get easily distracted or not focus on a specific activity or speaker are usually like that whether you force them to be ‘involved’ or not.

Epiphany's in the Shower

You know, I have worked out so many problems/ had deep -- ‘abysally’ deep -- epiphanys/ sung Broadway musicals/ and yelled out my anger at someone who has offended me - in the shower.  And it’s not that I take such long showers that I have time for major contemplation.  I think it’s the sense of complete solitude that allows me the freedom to work out/ think out loud about lots of issues – it’s a ‘safe’ environment.

Most recently, I began to think about a dear friend of mine who is a beautiful woman, a supportive, loving wife, an amazing, patient mother and, until recently, the owner of her own business.  I was grieving over the unbelievable events surrounding the loss of her business (and no, I’m not going to share what that is).  As I considered her, her parenting style came to mind, and it occurred to me that she did not believe in spanking her children.  Almost immediately, I wondered to myself if it’s possible that parents who do not use corporal punishment (spanking) are actually more creative parents than those who automatically resort to it??  I thought of another friend who also doesn’t believe in spanking and then thought of their mothers who raised them with that example.

I was raised to believe that you didn’t love your children if you didn’t spank them.  ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’!  And it was emphasized so much among the leaders/ authorities/ and my ‘circle’, it became one of the tenets of doctrine: as in – it’s not possible to be a responsible, loving, conscientious (oh, and here’s the biggie…….) godly parent and NOT spank your children.  I’m not sure that always spanking creates a lot of creativity in a parenting style.  I mean, if your child disobeys and you’re obligated to spank them or be a heretic, there’s not a lot of room for thought as to other forms of discipline that actually might more appropriately fit the situation.

Now, I understand that there are good and bad parents from both camps.  There are those who spank in anger, frustration, fear and even rage.  And there are those who take more thought as to when and in what attitude they spank.  There are parents who don’t spank because they’re too lazy or they’re too afraid of the law or of their children.  And there are those who have made a conscious choice to seek other means of instructing/ disciplining their children.

It seems to me that having to figure out an appropriate punishment would require that a parent take more time with their child/ children and be more personally, actively involved in correcting whatever the transgression/ error may be.  It also occurs to me that not simply resorting to spanking might actually require the parent to discover whether or not the situation warrants punishment!

Oh! Oh!  What the hell?  You say that there are actually situations in which a child is disobedient or inappropriate that don’t require punishment? Yes, I believe there are.  (Well, I believe there are NOW.  Just covering myself in case one of my kids reads this and points out that that's a contradiction from when they were young.  Personal growth, okay?!)  It’s so very important to a child’s development to be sure that they are not punished for just being kids/ for not knowing any better/ for being curious.  It really sucks that more parents don’t get this part right.  I think there’d be a lot less ‘screwed up’ kids if more parents were taking the time to figure this one thing out.

So, coming back to my friends – I admire them and their parents for being courageous and creative.  And I admire them for not apologizing for their parenting choices.  And I applaud them for challenging me to be a better parent.  And I hope (at least in the past few years) that John and I got better at it!