So, I desperately need to ‘catch up’ on thots!! I’ve had some of the most eventful last few weeks – and if I don’t get some of the thots/ emotions recorded, I’m going to forget what I’ve learned J And I certainly don’t want to have to learn some of this shit a second time!
So, after having shoulder surgery on Feb 1st – I’ve officially been in rehab for 3 weeks. And it’s a killer – just like Jeffrey Budoff said it would be…..he’s my orthopedic surgeon/ doctor. He told me that the surgery would be easy compared to the recovery.
I began Occupational Therapy (OT) – not to be confused with Physical Therapy – on Tuesday, March 20th. Basically, it was my check-in appointment. Brian, my OT, did a basic post-surgery interview and checked my range of movement and flexibility………..which was mucho limited. He was surprised to find out that my doctor had only assigned a couple of basic, low level exercises up to this point. He went through a couple of exercises showing me how to do them correctly – even attempting one with a pulley that he decided I wasn’t ready for – and sent me on my way. It took, oh, about 30 minutes.
So, on Friday, March 23rd when I returned for my second checkup, I was almost looking forward to it. And I can say very definitely that it was a stupendously important happenstance that this appointment coincided with John’s ‘Friday off’ day!!!!!! By the time the appointment was over and Brian had done so much more to my shoulder than I EVER expected – inflicting pain as I’ve never experienced (yes, even in childbirth) - I had hyperventilated, laughed hysterically, cried and almost blacked out. John was able to assure him that despite my extreme reaction, I was well within the range of ‘normal’ for me.
(I do have to commend Brian – my OT – for his patience and commitment to excellence in his work. He has never done anything to damage my arm, enduring, in fact, much whining on my part in his effort to give me back full use of my shoulder. He has a great bed-side manner, is cheerful and encouraging……….did I say all that right, Brian? Or is it Craig?? J)
The following thots occurred to me Wednesday as I was driving to my 4th OT appointment – and, believe it or not, during the most painful part of my OT that morning. I was wondering for probably the 37th time why I had been ‘patientzilla’? What the heck was going on? Was there still something from my past that I hadn’t dealt with in the past year? Did I have some extreme fear that I didn’t realize? Was it just my dramatic nature? I also got a chance later in the day to discuss the subject with my counselor. She helped me to confirm that, of course, it was a combination of things. Part of my reaction was just a normal human response to pain. Obviously, our body’s instinct is to protect itself against pain. And so, when Brian was doing some of the new ‘stressing’ (his professional word) on my shoulder – it hurt – and I tensed up and unconsciously fought against what he was doing – causing more pain. Duh! In addition, because I’ve been ‘on Alert’ protecting myself for most of my life, I have a very difficult time trusting my well-being to someone else. Hence, my struggle to relax while in pain.
It’s the same thing when you’re in labor…….if a woman can relax in the midst of some of the roughest pain she’ll ever experience, her body can work like it’s supposed, and work more quickly.
The final contributing factor to my ‘edge of the precipice’ therapy experience that day was my expectations. I ‘expected’ this appointment to be like the first – and it was anything but! I ‘expected’ that I knew exactly what to expect. And the fear that I experienced at realizing it wasn’t what I expected, scared the hell out of me. To be so ‘out of control’ deeply scared me. What if something worse happened to my shoulder? For those first few appointments (and every time I would exercise at home on my own), I had visions of my shoulder breaking/ or being broken. It took every bit of courage within me, to do those exercises at home – and to deal with the hysteria that I felt on those mornings that I knew I would be going in to the clinic.
However, last Friday, I had a couple of breakthroughs. One, the most rigorous part of my OT (and the most painful), the part where Brian actually, sort of, pushes my arm back into my shoulder while stretching it as high over my head as he can………….wasn’t. It occurred to me while he was doing the exercise that it didn’t hurt as badly as it had the last time he did it. I realized that I wasn’t having to fight against my own body’s desire to ‘fight against’ the therapy – I was actually relaxing……….okay, so it was only .05 percent more relaxing but every little bit helps! Second, and I think more importantly, I didn’t feel the usual panic inside me, and I wasn’t ‘looking forward’ to the days off between appointments. Up to that point, one of the ways that I encouraged myself to get through the appointments was to remind myself that I wasn’t going to have to go back for a couple of days. (Nothing personal, Brian!)
So, there you go……….would you expect any less???
