My Birth'day'

The day started rocky.

John and I are sharing one car right now. I got into a wreck three hours from home last Wednesday - the final day of my 3 1/2 week trip. So, "my" car is in the shop being fixed.

As a result, I'm having to drive John into work and pick him up if I need the car during the day. Which, so far, has been everyday! Tomorrow John has to have the car, and I'm stuck at home!! I'm totally (seriously) thrilled by that!  Guess who's cleaning house?? I don't like to clean house - but I LOVE a clean house!!

So, as I said the day started rocky. I didn't get to sleep Sunday night until 3am Monday morning....not sure why. It just took forever for the drugs to kick in. Anyway, when John woke me up (6:30) to drive him into work, I was groggy, to say the least! The meds (Ambien) had only been in my system for 3 hours - they normally take 5-6 hours to work through my system. I apparently told him several times that I was fine to drive. He did not share my assessment of my condition...

I was supposed to get some lab work done, and again, I kept telling John that I would be fine to drive myself. In the end, John drove me to LabQuest, waited while I gave blood, drove me home, told me to nap and to call him when I woke up. In addition to blood work, I HAD to renew my license that day.

And no, I didn't necessarily leave my license stuff until the "last moment." Remember, I only got home last Wednesday, and we had to take care of my car - get it to the mechanic that would evaluate and fix it!

I got home by about 8:45am and laid down fully expecting to wake up. I can never normally nap once I'm up - and when I try to do it, my body responds with, "Oh, my, you're laying down? No. No. No. It's time to wake up!" Apparently, there was a lot of medication still in my system because I slept for 3 hours! I know most people would have slept much longer but my sleep patterns are way beyond a normal person's!

Once I woke up and called John, he brought the car home for me, and I headed over to the Driver's License location. The phrase "camera card" was written on my renewal form. I'm still not exactly sure it means but I had all the correct paperwork, and so breezed through there. That NEVER happens, right?!?!

And while started out rocky - the day came to a fabulous end - manicure and pedicure!

Also, John fixed my birth'day' dinner: a Fager family staple - Tacos. Actually, Taco Salad but the combination of ingredients is the same.

My Epitaph

"She crammed 11 cookies into the VCR."

It'll make people stop and read my headstone, right??!! :*D

This is also my new iphone case. And for those who don't know is a line from the movie Elf. It's right before he runs away, and the whole line is, "I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR."

It also makes a point about living in the moment -- what?? You say.....how the hell does it do that??

I have a 5 year Question-A-Day journal that I write in every day. The question for yesterday (12/1) was to write my epitaph. I couldn't think of anything to say last year - I was at a point in my life where I was agonizing over every little thing - I couldn't think "in the moment." Every little decision - even simple little fun ones - took effort. Well, this year, I'm much freer. I'm having a lot more fun! And when the question came around this year, and after having recently watched the movie Elf, I, of course, immediately thought of the line from the movie! (Wouldn't you? :^P)

Every time I think about that line I start laughing - not just smiling but full-blown laughing! For several reasons - first, why 11 cookies? Why not 10? Or 15? And can't you see someone hurriedly cramming - because you don't leisurely "cram" anything - cookies into a VCR - trying to sweep the crumbs away to hide the evidence. Also, imagine if that were on my headstone - what would people think in the future as they walked through a cemetery.....What the hell?? Why is she....? And what's a VCR?? Would it interrupt their grief? Would it help them? Would they think I was some kind of rich, crazy person? 

"She crammed 11 cookies into the VCR." Bah!!! I'm still laughing - in this moment - still laughing!

I'm Not Going to Stay Down!!

Well, it's been awhile since last week - in fact, a week :*) - when I asked anyone willing to "wish me luck" - no questions asked - just wish me luck. And then I told you later in the day that, although I appreciated the good wishes, they didn't help......and that I would explain later.

Well, it's later..............

As many of you know, I had applied to grad school at Marywood University here in Northeast Pennsylvania. And I was very excited at the prospect of getting my Master's in Communication Arts looking to teach Speech and Theater at the college level in just a couple of years.  Well, they turned me down, and while I'm frustrated and angry, I'm not going to stay down! I'm pursuing other avenues as we speak.

So, here's the deal!  And some words of warning for a select group of people out there who may be currently attending or considering attending a particular institution that I'm about to rail upon......(Cheri Berry, I get my moment, and then I will move on....)

I attended Bob Jones University, oh way back when....and got a Bachelor of Science degree in Speech Education.  It is a very small, fundamental, christian university that is accredited by the lowest tier of accreditation associations: the Transnational Association of Christian Colleges and Schools - that means nothing!! Absolutely nothing in the way of any kind of assurance of quality education. They are not regionally accredited and cannot get regionally accredited.  And it has been their policy in the past that they didn't want to be - that, in fact, it was scripturally incorrect, to be accredited. That as a christian, you shouldn't want or need the "world's" approval - that you were somehow "weak" if you asked for the world's approval of what you were doing.

What this means for their graduates looking to get advanced degrees or improve their employment or get advanced certification is that they cannot!  Why?  Because institutions that ARE regionally accredited - that do have standardized programs - that have stood the test of time and have proven themselves - is that they will not recognize the validity of an education at Bob Jones University. Because Bob Jones University has not been willing to put itself under the microscope and let itself be examined - let itself be tested - let itself prove that what it provides is a quality education.  It's screwed itself and chances of large increases in the student body, and it's screwed it's student's (current and past) chances of any advancement in their professional lives!! 

Thanks BJ! Thanks for thinking ahead! Thanks for thinking outside the box! Thanks for thinking of someone other than yourself!!!

Now, I told you at the beginning that I was angry and frustrated but that I wasn't going to stay down.  And I'm not.  So, the conclusion of this whole fiasco is that I have to go back to square one and get a second bachelor's degree in order to pursue my dream of teaching Speech and Theater at the college level.  And I do intend to continue to pursue my dream!!!! Yes - that's right - I will have to go back to college and get a SECOND BACHELOR'S degree before I can get my Master's  degree.........

So, I've found an online all women's college that IS INDEED regionally accredited by the same organization that HARVARD UNIVERSITY is accredited by: the New England Association of Schools and Colleges. :*)  And I've double checked all of this info!!  it is THE AMERICAN WOMEN'S COLLEGE, and I'm in the process of applying - and guess what!! They won't take Bob Jones University either!!! Of course they won't - so I have to get my high school transcripts!! Bwhahaha!! Bob Jones University is/was so backwards - that I have to go all the way back to high school!!  If I hadn't already been through this once - I would be screaming - instead, when I spoke with admissions, and they told me I had to get my high school transcripts, I laughed outloud!  I'm 52 -- and I have to get my high school transcripts!!!

(I'll keep you posted. :*P)   And here's a link to an article that addresses the issue of BJ's final admission that they couldn't get regional accreditation for anyone interested in reading further...
http://bjuaccreditation.org/content/012712/bob-jones-university-finally-admits-national-accreditation-failed

Disappointing and Painful - but I'll try it again.....

Disappointed.

I'm pretty sure that's how the Acupuncturist felt when I left the other day.  That's how she looked, anyway - disappointed.  

Disappointed that I hadn't even seemed drowsy by the end of my first acupuncture session. A session designed to treat my insomnia.  Disappointed that I had, in fact, been giggling (by myself - I'll explain this in a bit) in the room during my first session. And disappointed that my central nervous system seemed just as "jazzed" after the session as it was before.  And her goal before the session started was to 'dial it down a bit'.

Now, I realize that it will take more than one session to deal with my insomnia.  For those who don't know me well - and I know anyone reading this probably knows me well - I'm a SEVERE - SEVERE - read that SEVERE - insomniac!! I take 20mg of Ambien every night and sleep 6 - 7 hours, and that's a long night.  (And not bad for the average American.)  Without it, I would sleep maybe 1 - maybe.....

So, as I've said, I know it will take more than one session.  However, as with other health professionals who have come into my life in the past few years, they don't realize the extreme level of insomnia that I deal with, and therefore, I think that they think that (did you get that), while I'm not lying to them, I'm probably exaggerating how severe my issue is.  Then, when they begin their treatments in my life in whatever their particular field of expertise is and it doesn't go well, or as planned or isn't as effective as they imagined it might have been or should have been, and they look stumped or frustrated or sad - that's when I feel sorry for them.  They thought it was going to help and it didn't.  Except for this one sleep specialists who was an ass - he was one of those people who 'believes his own press', you know the type.  The health care professional who says "don't you worry, I've helped hundreds of people with your issue, and you're no different. I'm going to help you too."  Well, thank you for making me feel not special......I'll just be walking away from you and never coming back!!  I never felt sorry for him!

But I digress.........In addition to the Acupuncturist being disappointed, the other major issue with my first acupuncture experience was that it hurt!! The needles hurt a lot going in, and then the ones that were in my left ear hurt the whole time they were in my left ear! The Acupuncturists put needles in the top of both of my feet, I think a few in my legs, a couple in my arms, several in my right and left ears, a few in the top of my head and one very low in my decolletage.  I held very still for that one to be sure she didn't puncture one of the girls!! :)  And then, when she took them out, they hurt again.  And they felt weird the whole time they were in. 

I just found out today from one of John's co-workers that according to "tradition", if it hurts a lot when the needles go in, it could mean that the issues the person has are very severe.  Well, that would make sense......not sure if that's very scientific or not.

Well, I laid for about 25 minutes, my legs sorta went to sleep.  I had to carefully move them around so I didn't disturb the needles. One of the needles in my arm did fall out.  The bed was nice and warm, however, it had a heating pad down the whole length! That was definitely a nice perk!! And there were two skylights in the room, so I could watch the rain fall.

Oh, and let me explain the laughing by myself.  There was a very loud clock in the room, and I began to hear the rhythm of it after a few minutes.  It was a slow rhythm, and my OCD brain began trying different phrases to see what "fit" the rhythm.....Of course, I had to try Big Bang Theory Sheldon's 'flash drive train chanty', "You forgot your flash drive," and discovered that it worked slow or fast.  That thought made me giggle.....just a little......

Then I thought about the absurdity of where I was, in this holistic type clinic (a converted house) with peaceful eastern type music and incense and quiet, peaceful mood, with warm beds and warmly painted walls - "You forgot your flash drive! You forgot your flash drive! You forgot your flash drive!"  And I giggled more - louder........Then I thought -- I wonder if John can hear me in here giggling all by myself, and wondering what the hell am I giggling about.  I'm supposed to be quiet, having an acupuncture appointment, possibly resting.......and that made me giggle even louder and harder!! I think I even.blustered, "Bwhahahahaha!!!"

Alright, Brenda, breathe in, breathe out.............there are other folks in other rooms........you need to quiet down............watch the rain........breathe in............breathe out...............little giggle....."you forgot your flash drive".................shhhhh..................giggle..............

I wonder how long I've been in here......I know there are needles in my head so I can't turn my head too much, I don't want to drive them into my brain........not sure the whole "dialing down my central nervous system is going if I'm thinking about driving acupuncture needles into my brain".......:*P

I'll try it again...................and I guess the Acupuncturist will too, she was willing to schedule another appointment.....................but she did sound.........disappointed.

Activities To Do On Ambien OTHER than Sleep

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2011/04/5-activities-to-do-on-ambien-that-dont-involve-sleeping/

This blog was posted about 3 years ago…….

So, here is my personal story for each of the 5 'activities to do on ambien that don't involve sleeping' – in connection to the article posted above.  I probably won't be really graphic about #2 - just sayin'!  (Btw, when I am alone for any period of time, I take Ambien when I'm already in bed.  Sometimes that helps to avoid these scenarios..... sometimes not, as in my first story.)

(Eat/ Do Some Activity:  My first story involves activities #1 and #4 together: John was out of town for the week, and I had taken my 15mg of Ambien – the dosage at that time. (normal dose is 10mg but I've been taking it for almost 4 years every night - I have EXTREME insomnia or I'm a 'short sleeper' - search the internet for that one, it's really cool!)  I was in bed reading when the thot occurred to me: "I could have a small bowl of cereal while I'm reading since I'm just sitting here in bed."  Of course, I had to get OUT of bed in order to get the cereal - but Ambien NEVER edits itself!  The rest of the events are hazy but they go basically as follows: at some point I spilled some of the cereal and milk on the book I was reading and on my bed.  I cleaned it up using some clothing beside my bed, then (apparently) got up, stripped the sheets off my bed, got a towel to put over the wet spot, got fresh sheets, remade my bed (perfectly along with blankets) and propped my book open so the wet page could dry.  Now, the only reason that I know I did any of this is because, the next morning, I saw the pile of wet sheets at the foot of my bed, and felt, then looked, at the towel under the sheet that I put there to absorb the spilled milk!!  I have no actual physical memory of doing any of this - but I'm so anal, apparently even under the influence of Ambien that the bed was made as perfectly as I would have made it any other time.

I am always hungry when I take it - I always want 'just something to munch on'.  And if I don't take it and go immediately to bed, I will find some activity to do that I will most likely not remember and if I do remember it, it will be in a dream-like quality. 

Story involving activity #2: (Have Sex – or some other VERY AGGRESSIVE TENDENCY)  Okay, so you don't get a story just a couple of comments!  (Whatever, you pervert!) Ambien heightens or stimulates personality characteristics or aggressive tendencies making a lot of people more agressive in a variety of areas.  The article doesn't describe any sex that happens as good or bad, just insane.  Well, I'm not sure how anyone knows that since you NEVER - NEVER remember that it even happened the next morning!

Activity #3 story: (write fan mail) I normally type approximately 80-100 wpm.  I'm a much slower ambien-typist and I don't make a lot of sense.  I have actually confessed to some people when I’m typing them a message that I was typing 'under the influence'.  One night I was at home with my kids, had taken Ambien, and told them that I just wanted to send a quick email to a friend.  Well, at some point the kids realized I was typing about 2 words per minute - not exaggerating, and they attempted to get me to stop and resend it in the morning.  I was quite insistent that it had to go that night.  Within a few minutes I actually began falling over asleep.  Peter began to pull me up but instead of standing up, I merely bent over with my hands still on the keyboard in some sort of weird keyboard stretch.  They eventually got me up and in bed.  And then because the last couple of sentences in the email were almost unintelligible, they put a note at the bottom explaining to my friend that the email was sent 'under the influence.'

#5 Ambidialing:  Now, I have never specifically called anyone by phone while taking Ambien.  However, I have on many occasions been Ambien-overwhelmed to have deeply serious conversations with people.  I remember in particular - well, I had to ask Katie the next morning if it really happened, and it did - but in particular, I decided one night late that I needed to reassure Katie while I was 'under the influence' that she did "not need to worry if it seemed that the boys had more financial advantage in college because they got more money from the car wreck.  That she had lots of things going for her.  She was special too."  She said that I got very close to her face and spoke in a hushed voice which, of course, made me laugh so hard and everyone else too.

**One other little story that doesn’t necessarily fit into any of these categories:  Ambien does work better for me now that I have some additional medicine to help with my anxiety.  But a few years ago when it was only working 3-4 hours a night, I would normally stay up until 2 or 3 am, so that I could sleep until 6 or 7 am.  I didn’t want to take it at midnight and be awake at 3 or 4 am!! Seems reasonable, right??  Anyway, one of those nights, I had taken my dosage at 2:45 and thought, “I’ll just sit here at the computer for a couple minutes while the Ambien kicks in.” Well, of course, it worked quickly that night!  The next morning, I came out to the kitchen and there on the counter was a bowl of sour cream with one Dorito in it…..hmmm……I asked Katie about it, and she informed me that John told her to tell me to call him about it.  Apparently, John had gotten up at 3am to use the restroom and had heard me talking to “someone” in the kitchen and discovered me trying to introduce “guests” to a new kind of Nachos (just sour cream and Doritos Ranch flavored).  And when he tried to get me to come to bed, I insisted that these people had to try these Nachos – that they wanted to try these Nachos.  So, John had to eat them before I would go to bed.  But he left one chip in the bowl to prove that I had done this!!! :*P  Clever man………

I have had occasion to take Ambien over the course of the last 15 years on a limited level - it's just these last 4 that it's become steady.  I remember several years ago it was taken off the market for several months.  It was during this time that people began to discover on a wide-scale level the amnesiac side effects - and they were very concerned.  I remember thinking, 'Of course, you don't remember!  Of course, it causes amnesic events! It's a sleeping pill - you're not supposed to!!'  Thankfully, it came back on the market.  Because I'll tell you that I have never been able to take over the counter sleep meds.  They always made me feel drugged the next day, and now my body chemistry has changed, because they actually have the opposite effect and make me hyper!  They rev up my system so that I’m hyper and jittery.  THE ONLY thing that is able to put a cap on my brain and give me any measure of rest – to shut down my brain for a few short hours is Ambien!!!! Let’s hope it NEVER, EVER goes off the market again!!! Despite any amnesic events!

It IS 2014, right??

I recently opened a box of office supplies - a BRAND NEW box of office supplies - by the office supply company that you see in the picture above.  SMEAD, in case you're not able to identify said company.  And what to my wondering eyes should appear but this antiquated picture of a woman from the 1950's  fingering her way through a file drawer.

Seriously??? Look at her - take in the whole picture!!! Look at her top!! At the scarf!!! At that watch and the shape and color of her nails!!!!  At her hair!!!!!! At her lipstick!!!! This was a BRAND NEW box of file folders that I opened TODAY in an office that I'm working in through a temporary agency.

I haven't seen an advertisement this stereotyped since I did research for a play, The Solid Gold Cadillac, that I directed one of the first years I taught. I was flabbergasted! I still am!!  I guess when you sell something that people need without need for upgrades or improvements or changes, there's no need to change your advertising.  But really................this is ridiculous!!!

Geezo - pete!!! :*P

Oh! My! Gosh!

IT'S SNOWING! Well, of course, it's snowing.........WE LIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!

So, John and I slept on an air mattress in the living last night - something that we do periodically throughout the year just for fun.  During this time of year, we do it so that we can sleep in the magic glow of the lights on the Christmas tree.  Multi-colored Christmas lights are my favorite - and they're even better in my fuzzy vision without my glasses!

Waking up this morning, we opened the living room curtains and watched the snow begin to fall.  It was - and still is - glorious!!! It's so continuously, moment by moment amazing that we live here now where it snows as a normal part of the everyday of every day!! And - holy shit - when the wind picks up and blows the snow off the roof right in front of the living room window - it's stunning!!!!  I CANNOT get enough of this!  Nor will any of you 'brave' enough to read anything I write for the next few months..........:)

Anyways, as I lay there on the air mattress - and it's a good one, it held the air really well, and wasn't squishy at all - watching the snow, I had some thoughts..........

First, I imagined the first snowflake to land on one of the tree branches.  Here was that first little guy out of the clouds eager to jump on a branch as opposed to landing on the ground and immediately melting (as he'd heard so many stories about).  And he sits there alone for awhile looking as other snowflakes come and pass him by.......no one landing on the same branch with him.  "Hey," he calls out.  "Wanna sit here......?" And he begins to wonder if anyone will ever join him on the branch, when all of a sudden a fellow snowflake lands a few inches away.  "Hey! Nice to see you!! Glad you could join me!"  And then another, and another and another - until the branch starts to fill up.  And the first snowflake is so happy that others have joined him and he doesn't feel alone or insignificant anymore.  This goes on for a few minutes, the branch getting more and more crowded with snowflakes.  All of a sudden the snowflake realizes that it's getting really crowded and no one is really paying any attention to him.  "Hey...........what are you talking about? What are you guys doing over there?"  And then the branch gets so full that the snowflake feels alone and insignificant again.............

Later, while John and I were watching the newer "Miracle on 34th Street" - the one with the adorable Mara Wilson - the snow was coming down faster in a swirling pattern.  And it occurred to me that another snowflake story could be happening.....

Again, a first snowflake lands on a tree branch and invites other snowflakes to join him.  They do right away - and it's a party! They're having a great time - inviting lots of other snowflakes, who gladly land on the branch crowding in to the fun!  Pretty soon, it's really crowded and the first snowflake is starting to feel squished.  "Hey, guys, maybe some of you should blow over to the other branch.  It's getting kinda crowded here."  His face was getting smooshed so that he couldn't talk very well, "Thish ish a great pardy everyone but its gedding hard to breave and tak......"  And the last thing we see is his little snowflake point getting buried in the rush of party goers crowding on top of the same branch..........

But what a way to go!!

A Magical Promise

While 'it' doesn't happen every day anymore - 'it' does happen at least 6 times a week - that awareness of "Oh, I actually, really live here!! I'm not just visiting someone who lives here or on vacation or traveling through this part of the country on my way to somewhere else. I really, truly live here now!!!"

This morning was one of those 'it' days - acute awarenesses - the first snowfall of the winter season! I'm having all kinds of wonderful, sentimental, cozy, familiar, totally welcome dejavus!! The first peek out the window, the rush of throwing open the curtains to get the whole picture, throwing myself back on the bed in amazement that it finally happened, getting up and putting on some extras so that I can step outside in my flipflops and take some quick pics of the awesomeness! And as I stepped out this morning to takes some pics, I was struck with the 'wonder of the quiet' that always accompanies snowfall.  Why is that?  Is it simply because the snow covers the ground? But why does that make all the other sounds around seem muffled or far away? I'm also struck by the crispness of the air. It could be the same temperature it was the day before when it didn't snow - and yet, with the snow the air turns marvelously clean and fresh!

(cue harp sounds into memories:)
I'm at my mother-in-laws house, waking up during the holidays, drinking that first cup of coffee watching people rush up and down the street on their way, and amazed at the beauty. And then Grandma's house at the farm! Coming down the very steep stairs from the cold upstairs bedrooms and feeling the rush of the warm air from the kitchen as the door opened.  All rooms led to the big kitchen - with it's almost full wall window that gave you a great view of the farm buildings covered in fluffy whiteness.  Or at Grandpa's house looking out the front windows at the HUGE tree in his yard looking like Atlas holding up all the snow that's piled on it's branches.  And then dressing quickly to rush outside and go see the frozen pond just down the hill from his house! 

Now, I, of course, know why this happens..........It's magic - simple and true - magic!! The magical promise of a season filled with new wonders. (Sounds like a card or a tv commercial or the beginning of some great story, eh? Anyone throw up a little in their mouths?? :P)  However, the 'wonders' don't come from something brand new that never existed before -- it's what happens to those everyday things that I've looked at a hundred times miraculously changing when draped in frosty, frozen precipitation.  It's the antidote for those doldrums that come from grey skies!

And now, a jolly Christmas romp to get the season started!! And hopefully to ward off any
'Scroogeness' that might try to take hold!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ChayT4uNLM

Oh the first snowfall of the winter,
Was a day that we all waited for
When it drifted to and fro,
Why you should have seen the snoooow,
It was near 7 feet or more by the old barn door!!

Oh the first snowfall of the winter
What a joy for a boy to behold
In each house you'll find a sleigh
That was waiting for this day
And, of course, down the road a hill for each Jack and Jill!!

Every winter breeze that scurries
Sets the snowflakes up in flurries
It's the good ole sentimental season when
Folks put runners on their surreys
And forget about their worries
When a man becomes a boy once again.

Oh the first snowfall of the winter
Jingle bells bring us spells ever dear.
Under wintry skies of grey
It was snowing all the day,
And it showed no signs of stopping
Every kid with eyes of popping
Will be soon deep belly-whopping on his ear.

On the first snowfall of the winter!
Oh that first snowfall of the year!!!
The first snow of the year
Is just about the best snow!
Well, I'll say any snow
Is a pretty good snow!
(Lead into 'Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!')

Dukat and the DOT

So, it occurred to me that the character of Dukat in the Star Trek series, Deep Space Nine, could have changed the whole course of his life if he'd just had a friend that loved him unconditionally.......now, just hear me out.

If you watch the whole series, there are several times during the course of the series that Dukat displays kind, generous characteristics: for example in episode #77 "Indiscretion" we learn that Dukat had a B'joran lover during the occupation and that he fathered a child - a daughter.  In the beginning of the episode when he thinks that she has died along with her mother, he weeps and we feel compassion for him.  Then later, when Kiera is able to talk him out of killing the same daughter to save his reputation and he decides to take her home with him to Cardassia despite any consequences to his reputation, we again feel real compassion for him. 

There are several episodes in which we see him reconsider an initial choice or rash decision, we see him attempt to mend old relationships and, in fact, make new ones, we see him display compassion.......and I think it begs discussion to point out that, like many people who are given a second chance, all Dukat needed was someone who was willing to look beyond his faults and love him no matter what.  A friend willing to give him a safe place in which to fail and still have love.....

And we see later in the series that, possibly because he didn't have that very thing, he actually becomes so much worse than he might have been.

Screeeeeeeech -- and total shifting of thought:

After driving to New Jersey last Friday and experiencing a couple miles of construction traffic, I have had an epiphany: the DOT's of America exist to piss off the PEOPLE of America!!!  Why do they have to start narrowing the lanes of traffic a mile or two before the construction?  If the drivers are doing the narrowing correctly, they won't get over until the lane they're in actually ends - which is the way it should be!! That way the traffic keeps moving until the last possible minute.  So, why can't they just wait to shift everyone until they're only a couple hundred yards from the construction?? It's not like it's going to slow the traffic down any worse - and it might, in fact, take less time to get through the narrowing.........sooooo, since the DOT's can't come to this very logical conclusion, I have had to surmise that they do occasionally get some construction done - but for the most part exist to piss people off!!!

Everybody Must Have Googled It!

I finally found a psychiatrist/counselor up here - but I had to go to New Jersey to find her.  It's a beautiful drive to Chester, New Jersey. And I was looking forward to my second trip there not only for the scenery but for the chance to listen to an hour and a half of the 155 songs that I've downloaded on my iphone! (I actually didn't realize I had that much music until my Minnesota trip in July.  After 5 hours of driving and still listening to music on my phone, I looked at how many I had......115 at that time.  Wow! If every song was only 3 minutes long - and most were longer - that would be 345 minutes of music or 5.75 hours!! And I've added to my collection since.)

Anyway, I was happily singing along and doing a bit of mild car dancing when I saw traffic on the other side of the road and thought to myself, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not on THAT side of the freeway."   I spoke WAY too soon.  All of a sudden, I noticed that there were a lot more cars on my side, and we were all slowing down. Damn! Whatever had happened was probably on my side too!

At first, I just thought it was slow due to some kind of construction. I mean, there's always construction somewhere on some road all across the US at any point in time.  But then I realized that not only were I and the other drivers slowing down, we were, in fact, completely stopped! (I was in the left lane of the two lane highway.) I sat for a few minutes and realized that this was a serious traffic jam and that I probably wouldn't be getting to my appointment on time - if at all!  I called the doctor (actually she's a nurse practitioner psychiatrist - with a great website and even better 'bedside manner'!) to tell her that I wouldn't be making it and how did she handle canceled appointments.  Still sitting completely stopped, I decided to put my car in neutral and open the windows. There was a beautiful breeze that I hadn't been able to appreciate at highway speed because I didn't want to create drag with the windows down that would cut fuel efficiency! :*)  (Thanks, Peter!!)
http://auto.howstuffworks.com/fuel-efficiency/hybrid-technology/driving-with-windows-down1.htm

In between hearing back from her, I called John to see if he could investigate what was going on.....he did and it was not good.  A multiple car accident with, at that point, at least an hour delay.  Wow! What kind of mess and how many people were hurt??  The 'doctor' (I'm going to call her that because it's shorter to type 'doctor' than 'nurse practitioner psychiatrist' every time!!) - called me back to tell me not to worry. She gives all of her patients one 'free pass' - one canceled appointment with no monetary setback. Sweet!! She also encouraged me to relax, be thankful that I wasn't involved in the accident, put on some great music (already there!) and to sing outloud with the music!! Permission to be 'one of those people' singing outloud in their car even when passing others from a medical professional!!

In the meantime, several people had gotten out of their cars to try and look ahead to see what was going on. Some had even started walking down the shoulder.  Several cars also pulled out on the right shoulder to take the exit going in the opposite direction of the jam.  I contemplated this for several minutes and then called my handy-dandy live 'road atlas' (John - who is always calm, connected to the google maps of wherever I'm going and helpful when I get into a traffic mess that Soki cannot help me out of!!) to see if I could take this exit as an alternative way to get back home. And, yes indeed, I could!

I carefully made my way across the right lane and onto the exit ramp.....AND HERE'S THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE STORY........(What? You say? All this other information has just been buildup?? YEP! :*P)  As I exited the freeway, I saw more people who had gotten out of their cars - and then the most incredible thing of all -- not only had a couple gotten out of their car with their baby - but they had gotten out the stroller, set it up, put the baby in it and were headed down the right shoulder to join the crowds!! It was like everyone had parked their cars for an event!

Apparently, EVERYONE had Google searched and knew that the traffic would be stopped for a while! I mean, why else would they all be getting out of their cars - and I mean there were LOTS of people out of their cars - if they didn't know that they would be there for a while?? Seriously, a stroller!!

I was almost jealous that I had decided to defect and take the 'easy' way out............

Focus on the Few

So, I was going to do this review as a comment on my fb wall, and then I thot I should just do a note because a note gives you more space to write your thots, and then I realized that I've been trying to get back to blogging since I moved and this 'article' would be the perfect theme to blog instead of just note. :)  Don't you just love that I give you the whole background story - don't you feel so much more involved in my life?? I know, right?!!

This was just going to be a review of the restaurant that we visited tonight but I realized I have more thots about this topic than just this eatery's specific notes.  So, John and I have come to realize - since we've eaten out more in the last month than in the past year - that the more a restaurant tries to do the less effective they are at it.  In other words, the more items they offer on their menu, the worse the food is.

Of course, that's really a true axiom for most of life. The more a person tries to do, the less they do well.  You know there are life principles all around us if we're just open to seeing truth in 'out of the way' places.

The Royal Buffet restaurant was okay. John tried their sushi - he said it was good but he's had better.  In fact, there's a little 'hole in the wall' sushi place between here and Wilkes-Barre (where the company apartment John lived in is located) that is amazing.  And, why?  Because that's all she does there - sushi!  Anyway, this restaurant had 7 buffet stations - wow! I hadn't realized it was so many until I just thot through them! - so 7 buffet stations: salad (which was actually the best part), dessert, soup, sushi, 2 different sections of hot foods (not sure how they were divided) and a stir fry part.

One thing in particular that I noticed about the hot foods was that their meat choices were obviously not of the top quality.  When you're offering over 100 items on a buffet, it's not cost effective to use the best cuts of meat.  In most of the chicken dishes, the chicken was small and tough - cooked too long and sitting too long.  In fact, as we were eating I realized that the food at Panda Express (a very good Asian fast food restaurant) is so much better -- and why?  Because they're menu is limited so that they can focus on what they do best.

Sad thot: I just looked up the closest Panda Express and it's 2 1/2 hours away near Harrisburg. Guess I'll have to wait until I visit my aunt in Minneapolis or my friends in Houston!

Anyway, back to the review of The Royal Buffet. I tried a few dishes (coconut chicken, general tso's chicken and chicken and broccoli) and discovered that while they were okay - but all of them were bland by comparison with most other Asian-related cuisine I visited.  The coconut chicken and the chicken and broccoli were slightly slimy and the general tso's chicken was very sweet with none of the expected heat for which the dish is known.  I also sampled their wonton soup - and the broth was very good, however, the dough of the wonton was very thick and dough - a quality that I enjoy in most dough things but which does not serve wonton soup well at all.

Restaurant Impossible is one of our favorite shows. 1) Because Robert Irvine is so ballsy in his comments to the restaurant owners - I know, he gets paid to do that but still.....and 2) There's so much hope in what is accomplished by the end of the show.  And yes, I know that it's not all magic and fulfilled dreams - some of the restaurants have not succeeded after the 'intervention'.  However, one thing we've learned - and yes, this paragraph is related to the rest of this article:) - most of the time the restaurant redos include a simplification of the menu.  He tells them to choose a few things to do well instead of trying to offer every kind of recipe out there.

And I would have to agree - if I could tell most of the restaurants I've visited one piece of information to improve their place - choose a few things to do well, do those and keep your environment simple, clean and bright.

Catch Up!

I'm wanting so much to get back into my almost daily blogging - but I'm struggling to compose freely without having to edit myself.  You would think I'd taken care of all of that over the last couple years - but last year's frequent hospital stays sent me back to a bit of self-editing........gonna "lean into that" - push through for those who don't know the psychological lingo! :*)

so, I'll just stop the intro shit and get into it!!  I'm really going to be 'rambling' - lots of thots about lots of things........some of these thots may not translate well to actual words. 

 I was coming back from Dallas a few weeks ago and traveling on I45 south when one of those "how cool is it to imagine the whole of the human race as separate individuals and feel the connection to them because we're doing something similar" moments.  I was driving on I45 south in the city of Dallas and at that same moment there were people on I45 south in Houston!!  At the same time!!  I'm not alone - there are others out there making the same 'journey' I am.

It is INSANE how fast everything about moving to Pennsylvania has happened!  To quote myself in a note I posted on fb last week: "Everything is happening so fast that it feels like when I'm snow skiing and I start really picking up speed and I'm so terrified of crashing into a tree that I no longer can think coherently and so the thought of just falling over to stop my momentum doesn't even come close to occurring to me.................."  For those who don't know, this whole process started on January 24th -- January 24th!!! By the time the moving company comes to pack up my house, it will have been (just short of) 4 months!!

It's really irritating........to get 2 samples of a beauty product that says in it's instructions: "....clinically proven to visibly restore youthful volume and fullness over time by helping to build your skin's own natural collagen! After just 8 weeks of twice daily use ----- URRRRKKKK!!! ----- You're kidding, right???  I have to use it for "just 8 weeks" to see any results, and you only gave me 2?!?!!!!  Why bother!

That's like my recent experience with Barnes and Noble.  We (my husband and I) recently bought a nook hd+ ereader for me, my daughter and my daughter-in-law - I bought mine one day before they did.  The special running at that time stated that we would receive a $50 digital content credit for buying the nook hd+.  As I read the small print on the email telling me that I had gotten my $50 credit, I got more and more concerned.  The small print informed me that there would only be ONE credit per BN account..........wtf??? Was this really true??  Immediately, I called 1-800-the-book, BN 24/7 customer service.  Really?? Was BN really that cheap??  I was assured that we would all 3 receive a $50 credit! Sweet!!! Thanks so much, customer service!!

A couple days later when neither my daughter nor my daughter-in-law had received emails, I called customer service again.  And after being on hold for about 20 minutes and hearing that the customer service rep "understood that I was saying that I was upset about them not receiving their emails" and then being transferred to a manager who the customer service rep was "sure would be able to help me" and that same manager regrettably not being able to do anything about BN cheap ass policy, I ended up being promised a physical $25 gift card for my distress.............REALLY?????  I told the customer service manager that I knew it wasn't her fault - that she didn't make the policy -  but that I would really appreciate her passing on to her superiors that I thought they were cheap!!!! I mean, I just spent $1,000 dollars and they're too cheap to give us $150 in digital content.  I sent an email to the online customer service as well.

Not sure why some companies get the whole "go above and beyond the call in customer service" and others are so cheap!!  And it's usually the generous ones that are more successful!

And one final "ramble": I love the movie "The Proposal" - Sandra Bullock and adorable Ryan Reynolds.  Also, Betty White, Mary Steenburgen, Craig T. Nelson and the fabulous Oscar Nunez (Ramone "God Bless America! Mama Cass!!")!!!  It has the most excellent credits scene I've ever seen in a movie!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuOQwpxgbvw

This movie is a great example of truth being evident anywhere you look.  One of the predominant themes is unconditional love......Because Andrew loves her, his family decides to accept Margaret (despite the fact that she's a bitch in the beginning) unconditionally into their family.  And it's that unconditional love that eventually softens her heart and changes her.  She is overwhelmed at the love she so freely gets from people who don't even know her!!

Alright, enough for now! I have to watch the opening episode of "Beauty and the Beast" - it's on Netflix!!!!

Bioluminescent pools above the clouds......

It was night when I flew into Wilkes-Barre, PA last Tuesday.  As we were beginning our descent and came down through the clouds, the stars magically 'popped' into view and twinkled (actually and not 'clicheishly') like diamonds!! So many beautiful, crystal clear diamonds - the most flawless, perfectly cut!  And what made them even more stunning was that the night sky was so dark - like driving on a road outside 'civilization' .........somewhere in Montana or the Ozarks or New Mexico or (as I now know) in the mountains of northeast Pennsylvania.

I realized at some point as we were descending that despite the absolute blackness that surrounded and 'supported' the plane, I was not frightened.  Wow! I really wasn't afraid or freaked out or nervous at all.  Why would my thots go there, you ask?? (I'll answer that - even if you weren't really wondering!) I have always, always been frightened by dark water - really any water that I couldn't see through.  I've had nightmares about sinking into dark water, about something getting me in dark water, about being swallowed up in dark water. I don't know where the fear originated - whether from something I actually experienced or maybe something in connection to a scary movie that I watched or a frightening story that I heard and then magnified in my over-the-top, worse-case-scenario-always, what-happens-in-the-movies-could-happen-in-real-life imagination......so here I was 'surrounded' by darkness - darkness that looked like dark water - and I wasn't frightened.

In fact, I was using my hands and my nook to try and block out the lights from inside the airplane cabin so that I could really see the darkness, the stars and -- wait, what are those flashing lights? Were the stars really twinkling that much?? No, wait the lights were moving...one up there.....oh, and one over there....and one down lower....and one close to the front of the plane. They were the lights of other planes - very cool to see them 'winking' at us from their place in the darkness!  Very 'grounding' to know that there were others on similar aircraft just like me, just like my companions on United flight 5953, flying through the dark sky.

Occasionally, there were 'ponds' of light in the darkness - perhaps bioluminescent pools like the area around the Tree of Souls on the moon Pandora in the movie Avatar.  They were scattered here and there in the night sky - eerie and beautiful at the same time.  I wished I were able to step into them as the Omaticaya did - using them as lighted pathways to guide me through the darkness.  (In reality, I know they were the lights from cities below us reflecting through the clouds.)

I wish you could feel what I saw..............

So, guess what's happened to us over (literally) only the last 3 ½ weeks? We’re moving to Pennsylvania! I’ve been waiting to say anything until we knew for sure. Well, we know for sure! (The photo above was taken from a bridge in a small town near Clarks Summit - and it really does look like that almost everywhere! At least, this time of year!)

Here's how it happened........John has had his name on the list to relocate to the Pennsylvania office of his company for over a year. They have been putting it off – needing someone with John's skill set but not really ready to hire a 'whole person' for the position......

January 18th: An employee at the Arkansas offices of John’s company quits all of a sudden. On January 21st, John told his boss that he was interested in the position. He also sent an email to the person in AR in charge of filling the position. She emailed John right back that they wanted to fly him up on Thursday, Jan 24th, to interview for the position.

January 24th: He takes the corporate jet (sounds more impressive than just saying the ‘company’ jet) to the AR office and has 3 total interviews that day. On the way back to Houston that afternoon, John’s boss tells him basically, ‘Choose’ Arkansas or Pennsylvania. It was a euphoric evening – really, he just hadsto choose?!! We’ve never been at a place where John got to choose what position he wanted!

We decided that if AR was available (it hadn’t even been on the table before) then we would choose AR because it is more centrally located to our family – at least for the next year or so: Katie has a few months left of grad school and then she’ll be working somewhere – btw, she’s doing AMAZINGLY – 4.0!! You couldn’t have found a more perfect fit for her than grad school at Baylor!! Peter is a junior Mechanical Engineering major at Baylor – he’s also doing great – 4.0!! So, AR looked good.

Well, the next day was his Friday off. He called his boss and told him that if AR was available that we would relocate there. Later that day his boss called him back and told him that after talking with all the ‘higher ups’ of Houston, AR and PA, they believed that his skills were more necessary in PA. Would he still be interested/ willing to go to PA??

Well……..yes, we were! He talked with the VP of the PA office – who told John that he believes John is a perfect fit for that office - and a visit to the PA office was scheduled February 5th-7th. In the meantime, John’s current boss had already announced to the department that John was being relocated and moving to the PA office.

Monday, February 4th, John called me and asked if I wanted to go to PA – WOW – I wasn’t scheduled to go on the trip, but there was room for me on the corporate jet :), if I wanted. Well, sure!! I’ll just scramble and get ready to fly to PA in the morning!!

It was a great 3 days getting to see the area – it’s all mountains! Everywhere! The houses/ businesses/ apartment complexes, etc are all built in the mountains – and the roads are up and down and around big curves. The company is in the town of Tunkhannock, PA – most of the people there live in either Clarks Summit/ Scranton or Wilkes-Barre, PA.

So, we’re moving to PA! We went from John's name just being on the list of interested parties (a very small list:) to setting up appointments with inspectors so that our house can be relisted as a new property for sale!  We’ve gotten communications from the Relocation department of the company – and man, do they do relocation well! Basically, they do whatever it takes to make relocating as easy as possible!

Our current time frame: John will be working for the PA office (here in Houston) beginning next Monday.  However, they want him in PA ASAP - Yikes!!!  It's all moving WAAAY fast!!  It's possible he could be in the PA office in the next 2 - 3 weeks - Yikes!!! Yikes!! ("Yikes", of course, in a totally cool, really impossible dream, 'holy crack this is happening fast' way!!)  It's probably a good thing that it's all coming down so fast - that way I don't over think things.  Not that I EVER do that, amiright?  Right??  :*p  I don’t know how long I’ll still be here – at least a couple of months probably. But everything has been happening so fast – who knows!

We’re excited and a little anxious – we’ve been here 23 years – despite not realizing it, we’ve got some roots here. (duh? Right? :p) However, it’s a great time in our lives to be embarking on a new ‘adventure’!! We’ll be only 6 hours from John’s mom, 2 hours from one of John’s brother’s and his wife, only 8 hours from Josh and Lynette!!

And since Katie and Peter are both in transition periods of their lives and will probably not end up living in Texas permanently, we're a little more 'okay' leaving them here for awhile.......Besides, we know that no matter where our family is, we can always travel to see them!!! (That sound you just heard was our kids groaning that they can't ever get away from us!! :p)  Unfortunately, I’ll be 17 hours from my favorite Aunt – but, heh!, I love to fly and drive!!!

We'll - well, probably just me because John will already be there - I will probably be headed up there in a couple of weeks to begin looking for housing…..oh, and the company helps with that too!! (Of course, they do!!) They provide housing for a family for up to 90 days if you need it. It looks like John could be 'batching' it for a while...........good thing he knows how to cook!!!

So, it was a long read but you totally loved it and raced through reading it, didn't you, riding the wave of excitement at the prospect of this new 'journey' for John and I??................And..................you're welcome!! :)  

My Year of "Internal Voyages"

So, a friend recently suggested that my round of medical issues in these past few months could be 'Erma Bombeck' story worthy........I'm going to do a short review of those issues to see if there's any fodder worthy of that great woman's perspective - and could be expanded at a later date.

So, as last year was my 50th birthday and was a year full of 'great trips', I've designated this year (my 51st) as the year full of 'internal voyages'!

They started in February with scheduled surgery on my left shoulder.  I had hurt it the year before and tried several types of physical therapy to no avail.  And when I got to the point where I had to wear strapless bras because my shoulder hurt so much, I knew it was time to choose surgery.  I mean, a girl has to have her standards - and, damn it, strapless bras hurt!

The surgery was textbook simple - the doctor had to do less than he was anticipating, and I was back home by late afternoon.  I spent the first six week after that doing nothing with my left shoulder, keeping it holstered in a large, bulky sling, sleeping in the recliner in my living room.  (For those who have never had shoulder surgery, it takes a long time before you can lay flat on your back.)  At the end of those six weeks, I was given a simple stretching exercise to begin - and I thought I was going to die!!  It hurt so much - more, in fact, than I ever anticipated. But I kept it up - 3 times a day, and within two weeks, I moved on to Occupational Therapy at a local Rehab clinic.

My occupational therapist was great! (I actually went to him before surgery to see if therapy would help my shoulder heal - so I knew him.)  However, again, therapy hurt a lot more than I expected.  My second visit - which I thought would be similar to my first (The one where they do minimal things just to evaluate you and see how much movement you have? That one.) - was so much more........'vigorous' (for want of a more frightening word:), that I almost blacked out.  Brian, my OT, told me to just lay still and relax.  In retrospect, it was of 'providential' forethought that John was able to be with me on that particular visit, so that he could reassure Brian that while my response was extreme, it was within the 'norm' for me.  In other words, since I respond BIG to most things - why would I not have an extreme response to allowing a medical professional to 'hurt me' on purpose!

My therapy was going along smashingly - I had gained substantial use of my left shoulder/ arm - when all of a sudden, I woke up on Friday, June 1st with some pain on the left side of my abdomen.  This was the day we had chosen to clean out our 'very old in need of knocking down' shed.  John, Katie and Peter were outside beginning the cleanout, and I did my shoulder exercises.  The pain continued to grow.  I made breakfast doubled over from the pain and invited the fam to come back in and eat.  I went straight into the bathroom where I remained for an hour in pain and throwing up until John came in and announced that he was taking me to emergency.

I was admitted that night, given very strong pain killers and for 4 days, the doctors had no idea what was wrong with me.  On the fifth day, they did a second CT scan and decided that I had perforated diverticulitis.  (As a side note, I lost 14 pounds while in the hospital!)  On the 9th day, they did a 3rd CT scan to see where they would put 3 drain tubes to hopefully drain the abdomen full of infection that I had.  They were hoping to not have to do surgery on my colon.  My doctor (a really groovy surgeon) came back very quickly that morning to tell me that the Radiologist had called in another doctor to review my scan, and they changed my diagnosis: I did not have perforated diverticulitis - my appendix had ruptured!

I was in the hospital for 14 days and when my white blood cell count finally came down and stayed down, I was released.  Actually, it was more like I was 'dumped on the front stoop'......I was going home with a pic line to administer IV antibiotics at home and one drain line to continue to help my abdomen heal.  It was a friday, and all the doctors had come to see me but no one realized that in order for me to get my antibiotics for home, I had to go to the Infectious Disease doctors office that day!  At about 4pm, hospital administration came and announced that I would have to be discharge and in a hurry, since the doctor's office closed at 5pm - and they wouldn't be back in the office until Tuesday.  They had to show me personally how to administer the IV antibiotics.

**Thankfully, Katie and John did my antibiotics at home most of the time.  I couldn't do it myself - it was too weird.  And I really felt like a junkie the few times I had to do it!!  

Now, you realize that during this whole time: the two weeks in the hospital, the 3 weeks after that that I had the pic line and drain line, the 2 times I went in to have the drain line examined, then the weeks before my colonoscopy and my appendix surgery on August 16th, discovering that my system was biochemically 'out of whack' because of all that had happened, I was not doing shoulder therapy.  Not one single exercise or stretch or resistance workout.  I was too 'afraid' of something else going wrong....

Finally, a couple of weeks after my appendix surgery, I went back to OT.  Thankfully, I hadn't lost a lot of flexibility in my shoulder - and it didn't require a lot to get me back up to speed 'occupationally' speaking.  In fact, I finally finished having to actually go to the rehab clinic in early October.  I was just doing exercises on my own at home - continuing to strengthen my shoulder from that surgery wwwaaaaayyyyy back in February!!

And again, all was going well, when 'WHAM!', my gallbladder flares up!!  Yep!  On October 13th, after a 5 hour stay in emergency, an ekg, a chest xray, several labs and an ultrasound, they discovered that I had gallstones!  I could only laugh! The absurdity of it!!  (Well, laugh I say, AFTER they had given me pain killer!) I went back to my hospital stay doctor/ appendix surgeon  - telling him that I had missed him! I mean, it had been 2 months since I had my appendix removed.  He assured me that he could also remove my gallbladder, and the surgery was scheduled for the next week.

So, almost two weeks ago (Oct 25th), I had my 3rd surgery and 5th procedure for this year! 2012 - The Year of Internal Voyages!! My post-surgery checkup was completely uneventful - oh, and in case you couldn't tell, that's a good thing!!  I  think I've had enough drama to cover me for a good long while!

Okay, so I don't know if any of this is Erma Bombeck worthy??  But it's definitely been quite a storyline to follow.......and I'm tired of writing about all this!!  Time to move on to groovier topics!

I'll Do My Best (old post I finally finished)

Now that my appendectomy is done -- textbook A+ done -- I feel like I really need to put the past few weeks in written form. Not sure how well I'll do it but I need to try.  When I left the hospital on June 15th - 14 days after I went into the hospital - I had some issues with anxiety and depression.  I had a pic line so that I (or my family) could administer IV antibiotics, and I had a drain line because there was still so much infection in my abdomen.  I was anxious about doing everything correctly, wondering how long it would take for my body to heal, putting my life on hold until I got past all this.  Because despite modern medicine, it's very difficult to attempt normalcy with all that 'stuff' coming out of your body.

Those few times when I went out to somewhere other than a doctor's office, I always felt very conspicuous, vulnerable to more infection and therefore more sickness, on edge emotionally and physically.  The world is a VERY germy place!!

And I know I made my family crazy - asking them to disinfect themselves and every surface in the house everytime they did anything - and I mean EVERYTIME.  They were phenomenally patient and loving!  So, that first night home, I cried quite a bit.  I felt bad for my family because I didn't want them to think that I wasn't happy to be home with them. 

At that point, I wasn't experiencing any sense that my emotions were overwhelming me.  I felt like I was 'stuck' - with no forward or backward motion.  And I felt a small amount of anxiety that I was going to feel like that forever.  But, again, nothing that I couldn't handle.

Well, over the course of the next 7 weeks, I began feeling worse emotionally, mentally.  One emotion in particular - anxiety - began growing - quietly, slowly -  ramping up each day.  Oh, at first it was only lasted for only an hour or two a day....then it was 4-5 hours a day - and pretty soon, I realized that a large portion of every day was spent trying to calm myself down, watching tv to distract my brain, sitting in the recliner in my living room.  I stayed home all the time.  I felt like I didn't have the energy to keep my anxiety under cover if I went out anywhere - almost as if I had tried to do anything or go anywhere that my body was going to literally 'fly out of itself'.

On July 20th, I made an appointment with my surgeon to see about some pain in my upper abdomen I was experiencing. He said it was to high to be related to the appendix issue.  And I wondered to him if maybe I had developed an ulcer?  He said, if anyone had a reason to develop one - I certainly did!!  So, he told me to get some prilosc and some pepto bismol and watch myself over the weekend;.  So, I did, and it seemed to help some.....but I continued to have anxiety throughout most of each day.  Only at night as I got closer to Ambien taking time did I begin to feel relief - and I don't think it was only because I knew sleep was coming - I think my hormones/ biochemistry seemed to 'catch up' or right itself later in the evening.


July 26th I went to see my psycho-therapist - I had decided that I needed to get some medicinal help for the anxiety, and I needed encouragment that I wasn't some kind of pathetic person because I needed some outside help.  She was very encouraging saying that she believed that this anxiety was mostly biochemical (and a bit emotional) and suggested a medication that would help to not only relieve my anxiety but help to level out my biochemical imbalance: buspar.

I got an appt that afternoon with the doctor's office so I could get a prescription for the buspar.  I took one - it made me worse.  I called my therapist the next morning - she suggested I get Xanax.  I got an appt that morning, got a prescription for Xanax, took one and it made it worse.  I ended up in the emergency ward - I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin.  The doctor gave me a shot of Geodon and assured me that I was going to sleep and John would have to stay at the hospital for hours until I woke up............you guessed it - it made it even worse.  We discussed with the doctor my staying in the hospital overnight so that I could see a psychiatrist the next morning but they wouldn't have let me take anything (including Ambien), so John and I decided that if I just went home, I could at least get relief that night for a few hours. This was Friday night - I had all weekend...................

Saturday turned out to be okay (unbelievably), Sunday it got worse and Monday, I got the names of several psychiatrists from my therapist.  The first 3 that I called had no openings for two weeks.  Well, that was definitely NOT going to work.  So, I got a couple more doctors' names to call - finally -- finally, I got an appt with a psychiatrist for that Wednesday (2 days).  By the time I got to the psychiatrist's office, I was hysterical, believing at that moment that I would never find relief, that I would be in this neurotic state forever.  The doctor assured me that I would not.

(**Spoiler alert** I have not! :)

It took a few days and several dosage changes but my psychiatrist found the exact medication with the exact amount to return my sanity to me.  (Of course, during this time, I was also in contact with my medical doctor to start on some hormone meds too.  They're also working very well!)  Unless you've ever experienced something like what I've described,you cannot know how HUGE the relief is.  There are no words that would help me to tell you other than to say I went from feeling like I would never be able to enjoy my life to experiencing peace and rest all day long.  And now my doctor and I are even starting to reduce the amount of medicine that I take so that I can get to a place where I take the least amount to manage my biochemistry/ hormones/ mood!!  

Thots from the Gallbladder.....

And with the flare up of my Gallbladder, I have another 'N-1 things to go wrong with my body' off my list!  And it seems that each issue this year has been of a 'decreasing level of drama'.  (This concept will be discussed in a separate blog.)

This issue/ surgery was only day surgery: I checked in at 8am and was home by 3pm.  During that time I made an interesting observation - that different careers/ talents/ skills have different job preparations.  For example, doctors don't seem to need any pre-surgery preparation - other than sterilizing.

As an actor I have gotten to the theater to physically and mentally prepare for a performance anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half before curtain.  And in my experience stage actors do this before every performance, no matter how long the run of a show is.  An architect might consult the design specifications for a project or review the blueprints before directing the construction of a building.  A teacher reviews their lesson plans before beginning the days' instruction.  A chef follows a recipe in order to create a masterpiece.  But doctors/ surgeons don't seem to need such prep.

My surgeon did not arrive until right before the surgery - in fact, I was prepped for surgery and the team was ready but we had to wait for the doctor to arrive.  I don't know where he was before and don't presume to judge anything about him, I just make the observation that he arrived right before surgery, cruised in, smiled and said hi, explained the procedure, sanitized his hands (I'm assuming:) and dived right 'in' to remove the offending organ.  No before surgery prep - he didn't have to review the script to remember his part or remind himself of the blocking.

Maybe because of all the years of extra training that doctors have to go through they don't need to do 'pre-whatever' prep?  I suppose it would make me nervous if my surgeon had to do pre-surgery prep to know what he was doing......:*)  I'm definitely glad that he knows his way around my insides!! 

In the Moment....Is it Possible?

So, I've been pondering the phrase 'being in the moment'.  I most often associate it with acting.  A good actor is said to be 'in the moment' of the scene - he or she is so believable as the character because they are fully immersed in every aspect of the character in that exact moment in the play.

I've recently come to apply the phrase to my actual real life.....and I've discovered that there are large portions of my life in which I have not been 'in the moment'.  So, where have I been you ask?......Well, I've been...........

'In the past': much of my life has been lived in the past thinking and rethinking, regretting, explaining, defending everything I've ever done.  When you live with the guilt that every choice you make could completely screw up God's will for the universe, when you're told (most of the time it's a forceful suggestion, that way the person doing the 'telling' doesn't sound like they're telling) that in order to be 'Godly' you have to 'perform' daily, when you can't live in the day to day of your life because it's too frightening - you have to live in the past to figure out how to make yourself acceptable, forgiven and brave.

And, I've been.........

'In the future': the rest of my life (except for a small portion) has been lived in the future trying to predict the outcome of every situation in which I am or could be involved - trying to make sure that even if I'm making bad choices I can cover them up or explain them away.  In addition, I was trying to figure things to do to be a 'good, Godly woman' who obeyed all the rules.

I've decided that I want to try very hard from this point on to live 'in the moments' of my life.  (except for those times when all of us have to consider past or future issues - much smaller group of issues than I have previously believed:)  I got some good advice from a Catholic nun recently. She said, "You don't have to do everything, Brenda.  You just have to do the NEXT thing.  Give yourself permission to grow into my new name."  Which is, I believe, part of the definition of living 'in the moment'.

It's so wonderful!!  I have time to 'wonder and wander'.  There's no rush when you're living in the current moments of your life.  There's no pressure that you didn't do well or enough in the past nor pressure that you'll probably screw up in the future.

So, 'for the moment' :), screw the past and future - just enjoy the amazing, rich moment that you are in right now!!  It is possible and makes life so much more worth living!